My Sweet Boys,
I want to tell you about something so personal that I have never told another living soul. You may wonder why I would chose now to share this and why on Earth in a blog that would be ready by many people before either of you ever have the chance? Well, we just celebrated Easter and I am reminded of just how much God loves us. How much he loves me and he loves you. I want you to know that you are never alone, you have never gone too far and you are never out of His reach. People need to know this and you do too.
I am certain that by the time you read this you will have long since been aware of my history with fear, anxiety & panic. I have every desire to be upfront and honest with you as I walk through each dark day. I need you to know that dark days come for us all. You will hear that ‘God is always there’ so many times in life that you may become complacent about the idea. Please guard your heart against this. I know sometimes it is the last thing you want to hear and that is ok as long as you always remember its truth!
Not long before your daddy and I got married, I was in the midst of my worst battle with panic & anxiety to date (at least up until I wrote this). I had gotten to the point where I had some good moments, even days, but then it would return. I felt no hope that it would ever leave or that I would ever be normal again… EVER! Let me just tell you that you do not have to feel hope to have hope.
This particular day was bad. It was morning and I had spent every waking second with shortness of breath, a pit in my stomach and the weight of an elephant on my chest. I carried on as normal because at that time I thought ignoring it was best –it wasn’t and God has shown me that over the years. Finally, as I was showering, I could not control it any longer. I was in a full blown panic attack and I was scared.
I got out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel fell to my face on the bedroom floor. It was just me and God and I knew with every fiber of my being that He was all I had. Lying there that morning I poured my heart out to Him. The only words that would come out of my mouth were ‘take it all, but don’t take you. You can have everything, just don’t take you Lord.’
I have never meant anything more than those words. I knew that I could survive anything that came my way as long as He was with me. I would give it all up – everything and everyone that was important to me – He could have it all. Just stay with me Lord. In that very moment He rushed to me. I am not dramatizing here… he rushed to me. I keep searching for another way to explain this, but that is literally what happened. He held me, he picked me up and he has NEVER left me. He never will. His promises are true.
I would like to tell you that that day was my last battle with anxiety & panic attacks, but that would be a lie. They subsided for a while, but came back shortly after you were born, Andrew. That was worse than anything I had experienced before. Anxiety causes me to detach from emotion. It leaves me incapable of loving the way a mother should love. It is scary and I hate it. Every time – every single time anxiety creeps up – I go back to that day. My heart cries those same words “take it all, just don’t take you”.
Those words are harder now, because you, my sweet boys, you are part of the ‘all’. You are my very breath. You make my heart smile and life worthwhile… but HE is my everything and I place all he has given me back in his hands. I hope by the time you read this, your heart will agree that he is your everything too.
I don’t know how life will be for you when you read this. I know dark days have come, are here or are coming –all three if you live long enough. Please know this… he doesn’t only rush to me. He rushes to those who call on him. I cannot imagine anyone loving you more than I do, but He surely does. Hold on sweet boys… hold on to the hand that created you. Hold on to the one who gave you to me. Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, stand (Eph 6:13)!
All My Love,