Thursday, May 26, 2011


We recently celebrated your third birthday and I cannot believe how fast time has flown by. It seems like just yesterday they placed you in my arms. I have to be honest, my first thoughts were not all that positive. It was fear at first sight – not the love all the magazines had led me to believe I would feel. Oh but how my love for you continues to grow. How God continues to use you daily to bless me and to bless others. Even if I combined every language known to man, I still could not accurately express how much love I have for you.

The morning of your birthday I posted a ‘Happy Birthday’ message on Facebook. I’m sure by the time you read this, you will have no idea what Facebook is and Google will no longer exists to aide you in your search to find out. Just know that it was all the rage when you were 3 years old… even Grandmama had an account. She said she never used it and thought it was silly… but she has been known to call me with information she found about someone sisters husbands best friends dogs previous owner. Some days it is a real mess!

Back to the original point… I quoted Numbers 6:24-26 as a prayer for you that day. “The Lord bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious and give you peace”. I have been quoting that scripture continually since that day. Mercy Me also put out a song in reference to the scripture “Bless Me Indeed” which I cannot stop singing. It will forever be my prayer for you and for Landon. It says all I could ever want for you in life.

In the last 3 years you have made me laugh and cry and every emotion in between! At just 3 months old you got your first fever in the middle of the night. I rocked you and cried with you until it passed. When you were just 6 months old we took you to the pumpkin patch to have your picture made and you were nearly as fat as the fattest pumpkin. I almost ate you right then and there!

When you were a year old I gave you your first sippy cup. I have forever vowed to keep alcohol as far from you as possible because the way you slung your head back and downed that juice made you a good candidate for an alcoholic! I have the video to prove it…

When you started to toddle around I got a call from the day care that you had fallen and I needed to come get you. My heart broke… you were fine, but your eye looked horrible. Black & blue the next day – I cried again. You were resilient though – running within days of walking. My little weight loss plan, you are.

You turned 2 and the simple words gave way to full sentences. The personality God gave you started to shine through in the most amazing way. I started to realize that you were everything I prayed you would be. Some days that was good… other days I went to bed very tired! You became a big brother and in spite of the fact that you have tried to pull his arms off, throw him out of my lap and hit him with a magazine – he adores you!

Now you are 3! You talk from the moment you wake up until the very second you fall asleep. You ask questions that make no sense and are not satisfied until I give an equally absurd answer. You are hard headed and stubborn. You ask for milk and when I say ok, you say ‘No, I want juice’. If I give you a poptart (yes, I fed you poptarts for breakfast regularly against the advice of your pediatrician) and the corner accidentally broke off before I handed it to you, you would protest and refuse to eat it. This would of course leave me no option other than to eat it myself!

You are not perfect, but you are pretty close in my opinion. You are God’s smile personified in my life. You are a blessing and a joy. Thank you for just being you. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious and give you peace.

All my love,

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

My Sweet Boys,

I want to tell you about something so personal that I have never told another living soul. You may wonder why I would chose now to share this and why on Earth in a blog that would be ready by many people before either of you ever have the chance? Well, we just celebrated Easter and I am reminded of just how much God loves us. How much he loves me and he loves you. I want you to know that you are never alone, you have never gone too far and you are never out of His reach. People need to know this and you do too.

I am certain that by the time you read this you will have long since been aware of my history with fear, anxiety & panic. I have every desire to be upfront and honest with you as I walk through each dark day. I need you to know that dark days come for us all. You will hear that ‘God is always there’ so many times in life that you may become complacent about the idea. Please guard your heart against this. I know sometimes it is the last thing you want to hear and that is ok as long as you always remember its truth!

Not long before your daddy and I got married, I was in the midst of my worst battle with panic & anxiety to date (at least up until I wrote this). I had gotten to the point where I had some good moments, even days, but then it would return. I felt no hope that it would ever leave or that I would ever be normal again… EVER! Let me just tell you that you do not have to feel hope to have hope.

This particular day was bad. It was morning and I had spent every waking second with shortness of breath, a pit in my stomach and the weight of an elephant on my chest. I carried on as normal because at that time I thought ignoring it was best –it wasn’t and God has shown me that over the years. Finally, as I was showering, I could not control it any longer. I was in a full blown panic attack and I was scared.

I got out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel fell to my face on the bedroom floor. It was just me and God and I knew with every fiber of my being that He was all I had. Lying there that morning I poured my heart out to Him. The only words that would come out of my mouth were ‘take it all, but don’t take you. You can have everything, just don’t take you Lord.’

I have never meant anything more than those words. I knew that I could survive anything that came my way as long as He was with me. I would give it all up – everything and everyone that was important to me – He could have it all. Just stay with me Lord. In that very moment He rushed to me. I am not dramatizing here… he rushed to me. I keep searching for another way to explain this, but that is literally what happened. He held me, he picked me up and he has NEVER left me. He never will. His promises are true.

I would like to tell you that that day was my last battle with anxiety & panic attacks, but that would be a lie. They subsided for a while, but came back shortly after you were born, Andrew. That was worse than anything I had experienced before. Anxiety causes me to detach from emotion. It leaves me incapable of loving the way a mother should love. It is scary and I hate it. Every time – every single time anxiety creeps up – I go back to that day. My heart cries those same words “take it all, just don’t take you”.

Those words are harder now, because you, my sweet boys, you are part of the ‘all’. You are my very breath. You make my heart smile and life worthwhile… but HE is my everything and I place all he has given me back in his hands. I hope by the time you read this, your heart will agree that he is your everything too.

I don’t know how life will be for you when you read this. I know dark days have come, are here or are coming –all three if you live long enough. Please know this… he doesn’t only rush to me. He rushes to those who call on him. I cannot imagine anyone loving you more than I do, but He surely does. Hold on sweet boys… hold on to the hand that created you. Hold on to the one who gave you to me. Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, stand (Eph 6:13)!

All My Love,