Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting, And His truth endures to all generations. Psalms 100:4-5
* March 30, 1978
* November 3,2007
* May 13,2008
* 80’s music
* 10 little fingers & 10 little toes
* A husband that doesn’t think I am fat and tells me I look great
* Nonfat Latte’s with extra whipped cream. =)
* A mother who raised me to make my bed every morning.
* The freedom to leave the house without making my bed in the morning.
* Water Parks with lazy rivers.
* Little Brown weenie dogs.
* A family that loves me and in laws that do as well.
* Knowing His voice.
* Bath time in with a cherub and a duck tub.
* Christian bosses and coworkers.
* Rainy Days.
* Sunshine Rays (sorry about the rhyming).
* A job I love!
* Baby Orajel
* Clothes that fit.
* 5:00 am spin classes.
* Costume Jewelry.
* Daycare workers who love my child.
* Having 5 Super Wal-Mart’s within 15 miles of the house.
* Pastries and Coffee on a Friday night.
* Bobby Bowden.
* Highways that stretch from Florida to Texas.
* MUCH cheaper gas.
* Dark Chocolate.
* A daddy that wants to build a bookshelf for his grandson.
* Mushroom & Garlic – no fat, tons of flavor.
* BOGO at Payless – year round now!
* $5 off coupons for Enfamil.
* Friends who are persevering through the hurt!
* Nail scared hands and an empty tomb.
* Cameras that capture moments I don’t want to miss.
* Collard Greens.
* The storage compartment under Andrew’s stroller.
* Hair Spray
* A past that was tough enough that I am looking forward to the future, but no so tough that I can’t look back and smile.
* Birds that chirp in the spring
* The sunrise that I get to see on my way home from the gym in the mornings.
* Baby Monitors
* Sugar Cereals
* Face Moisturizer
* Drinking Water (as opposed to Spring Water)
* Rocking Chairs on my parents porch.
* My diploma from FSU.
* Conference calls that end early.
* The opportunity to rock my baby to sleep each night.
What are you thankful for?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
It wasn't very long into my pregnancy that I began to realize how truly paranoid I am. I had read all the stories and talked to many other women who had walked this road before me and so I knew that the paranoia was just part of territory. I, however, felt that I should be above that. I knew God had created this child for a purpose and that he would take care of him according to his will. It was the 'according to his will' part that created a sense of panic in me.
I cannot count the sleepless nights I would lay awake counting kicks. If they were less in number than the night before, I would convince myself that something was wrong. I grew so concerned about the lack of kicks one night that I called mama and cried hysterically. Her response came in a tone that indicated I was in fact insane - she says 'Goodness Libby, the little fella needs to sleep to. You won't even let him take a nap!' It was true - I was constantly thumping my belly to wake him up so I could feel him move. Amazing that he doesn't hate me.
I was on my way home from work one night and cried all the way home. I was in my 25th week, approximatly, and Andrew just wasn't very active. I didn't feel him move all day. I just knew something had happened. I was still feeling so much guilt over the pregnancy, that my fears were being driven by this idea that something would happen as God's way of punishing me(I have since resolved that). Here I was though, weeping in my car because I thought God had allowed something to happen to Andrew.
I was stopped at the red light going into our neighborhood and I dropped my head and prayed for peace that Andrew was ok. I got peace - but it came from an unexpected answer. Many of you have never heard the Lord speak to you. Until you do, this may seem strange to you. The Lord spoke to me immediatly as I prayed. He simply said ' I will never leave you.'. I know this was the Lord for 2 reasons - first, I know his voice and second, if it had been my inner conscience, it would have said 'Andrew is fine, he will live a long and happy life!'. This isn't what was said or promised.
'I will never leave you'. Much more desireable and peaceful to a child of God. It was at that very moment I gave Andrew back to the Lord. Andrew is God's to with what he pleases. I know he pleases great things for Andrew's life - just as he does for yours and mine. I cannot wait to see what he does in Andrew's life - according to his will. It is a joy and a priveledge to watch it unfold.
A couple of weeks ago George and I had the opportunity to publicly give Andrew back to Lord. We participated in the Parent/Child Dedication ceremony at our church. There were probably about 50 couples presenting their children and I took a quick look just to confirm that we had the cutest and best dressed baby. CONFIRMED! We were surrounded by family and friends and for as simple as it was, it was oh so meaningful. Andrew is only on loan to me from the Lord and I pray that I am the mama He is trusting me to be with His child. For as much as I love him, God loves him so much more. It is true, I would die for him if I had to - but Jesus already died for him and he didn't have to.
I still have that fear that one day something may happen to Andrew and God will call him home before I feel the time is right. When this fear starts to creep up on me I am reminded of those words, 'I will never leave you', and my fear fades. Steven Curtis Chapman wrote a song about a year ago, 'Yours', which he has recently released. Many of you know that in May, he lost his 5 year old daughter after she was hit by a car his son was driving. It was after this accident that he added the last verse to the song which goes like this:
I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breath
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And questioned everything that I believe
But still even here in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you
Monday, October 27, 2008
Do you know what this weekend is? This is the first weekend of
November and George and I will celebrate our 1 year wedding
anniversary this weekend. We won't be doing anything major to
celebrate, probably just a nice dinner somewhere... just the
two of us. Of course, that is a rare occasion these days. Not
often do parents with a 5 month old get much time alone.
I have been thinking a lot in the past few weeks about Nov. 3,
2007. What a day that was! Most of you were there. I couldn't
have been happier with my wedding, unless you count the fact
that more reception time would have been nice. I loved the
flowers, the music, the dress, the groom and the cake...boy,
did I love the cake! It was exactly what I wanted, even though
it will probably never be featured in Bride's magazine.
Here we are a year later and we are still pluggin' along. A
lot has changed. The honeymoon ended a lot sooner for us than
for most couples. We were faced with some pretty heavy issues
right off the bat and we found out that there is a reason why
God has an order for things. I would not recommend starting
out your marriage with a precious bundle blooming in your once
In the weeks that followed our wedding we busied ourselves
with getting all my stuff moved in, buying nursery furniture,
buying larger clothes and then even larger clothes. We learned
that while leaving my jewelry on the table is not a big deal
to me, it is maddening to George. Likewise, George can't see
the point in rinsing out his cereal bowl while all I can see
is extra minutes scrubbing that bowl before it can go in the
dish washer. I still haven't figured out why he thinks I
should do laundry on the night he wants it done rather than
the night I have time to do it. I mean, if you still have
clean underwear then what's the rush? By the time May rolled
around, when I did laundry was no longer an issue since I
couldn't get into the laundry basket unless I wanted to risk
not getting out of it.
Seven months into marriage and we were quite proud, we had
done pretty good. Then this... THING... came rising up out of
my belly (literally). This thing which I just knew would come out wearing
a sombrero instead came out with overalls and piece of hay
hanging out of his mouth. This thing changed our comfy little
marriage and left me with what my sister in laws lovingly
referred to as 'pizza dough' where a once cute belly button used to
be. I'd like to say I was as lovely as Jessica Alba post birth
- but, not so much. And George... good Lord, get that boy a nap!
OK, things did level off...well, they ARE leveling off. We are
adjusting. We haven't killed each other...yet (though some days we want to and other days we wish we had). We don't regret
getting married and we certainly don't regret that 'thing' which
has now become our very heartbeat. We have become a family -
warts and all complete with a 'sweet' little brown puppy.
Andrew is, at the moment, perfect. George however, is not
perfect. I'd like to think that I am close, but I think George
would tell you real quick that I am not. I have always heard
that the first year of marriage is the hardest. This made me
very glad to see 11/03/08 coming, then, out of the blue, mama
informs me that it is the first 5 years that are the hardest.
In all seriousness though, I say it is true - The Spirit of
the Lord is upon me and he has given me beauty for ashes. God
took the ashes of my panic attacks and gave me the beauty of a
happy and evolving marriage. God took the ashes of my shame and gave me the
beauty of Andrew. God took the ashes of my sin and gave me the
beauty of Jesus. Take a minute and look at your beauty. Turn
around for a moment, a past full of ashes in exchange for a
future full of beauty.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I know everyone is different, but to me, that first smell of fall in the air sparks an energy that no other season can. I walked out of work a couple of weeks ago and it was cloudy, windy and somewhat chilly. Ahh, I took one deep breath and all I wanted to do was carve a pumpkin! Have you any idea the feeling I am talking about? Well, I still have not carved a pumpkin, but we did take the time this past weekend to go to Dewberry Farm and have pictures taken in the pumpkin patch!
After a long day of corn mazes, duck ponds and warted pumpkins, baby Andrew was very tired. We got home, got him bathed and fed and he was out like a light. I in no way regret paying $22 to have a 5 month olds picture taken in the pumpkin patch. How great is this kid? It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that Andrew's job was to turn on the sun each morning and put it to bed each night. Of course, we know whose job that really is and I cannot thank Him enough for this blessing named Andrew.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
So, what's up with the name - 'Another Nut that Needs to Dust!'? Well, this is a story that is hystercal to me and mama - but you may have needed to be there for it to be funny to you. I am sorry to 'go there' again, but I have take you back to the beginning of the panic attacks - before we even knew I was having panic attacks.
As you may know, one morning - very early morning - I woke up with what felt like an elephant on my chest. It was so painful. I had no idea why, but I was overwhelmingly sad and could not stop crying. CRY, CRY, CRY! Not fun for me or for anyone in close proximity. As the sun rose and I made myself to work, the feeling kept getting progressivly worse - the crying would not stop and my thoughts were very irrational.
So, what did I do. Those of you who know me very well at all know I called mama. I explained everything to her in very short, raspy breaths. She told me to go into the stairwell at the office and pray. I did... nothing, kept getting worse. Mama, in her infinite wisdom realized this could be BIG. As soon as daddy got home from work, they headed to Orlando.
When they got there, they found George in the kitchen with a blank look on his face and me in the bed - fetal position. Let me assure you, NO ONE was laughing at this point. There are probably no words to explain the pain any of us felt. If you have any history with panic attacks or any kind of mental illness, then no words are needed. Never fear though, Wonder Mom was here. I feel certain she had on her cape.
We gathered around the table that night for dinner - ignoring the elephant in the room. Daddy went and got KFC for us all. Mind you, I had not eaten in 2 days at that point and this would continue for another 2 weeks and 14 pounds. So I watched in disgust as daddy, Ty and George gladly ate that chicken - bones and all, I swear. Ugh... It was then that mama concluded that tomorrow morning we would get up early and she I would clean the house - top to bottom. The men could do the yard. And that is what we did.
You see, cleaning is therapy for mama. When she is 'sad' she cleans and she feels better. So, logically, I was sad and I needed to clean to feel better. She was all over that house like a wild woman. Curtains came down, soap scum was banished, dust bunnies begone. And I cleaned the refridgerator. It was about all I did, but don't down play it. When the men came in, the fridge was the only thing they commented on. =)
Mama was so proud, she looked at me and smiled, I looked at her and cried. Wonder mom wasn't defeated though (even though the evening concluded with a trip to the ER)... nope she just looked at me and said 'Tomorrow we are going to get up early and just you and I are going shopping in Mt. Dora and have a nice breakfast!'. That would make me feel better...right?
So, we got up and headed out the door. We drove to Mt Dora and stopped at a little place for breakfast - which I didn't want any part of. I ordered the pancakes and a tall glass of milk. Mama got her a nice platter as well. I ate 1 bite and was very full... I just cried and cried. I litterally cried so much that the poor waitress came to refill mama's tea and asked 'Is everything ok here... with...the...food?' We left her a good tip. I cried all day and all the way home. I cried for the next year.
That night, mama kicked back in the recliner, defeated and stunned. Wonder Mom was now worried mom. She looked at me and said,
It wasn't the last laugh, it wasn't the last tear either. But we made it. Me, wonder mom and George too. Amazingly, by God's grace we made it. Those were not good times, but they were such sweet, special times that really bring to the surface what true love really is. I have concluded that I am just another nut that needs to dust, but aren't we all?