Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10



Fear… when you think of fear, what do you think of? Being at home alone and hearing a strange sound at 3 in the morning? Maybe just hearing the theme song from Jaws strikes a little fear in your heart? Snakes, spiders or big fat rats are a major fear for most women (and men) that I know. This type of fear causes momentary panic that passes once you realize that strange sounds was just the ice maker filling up with water, the song stops playing or you find relief in the fact that those snakes are behind glass at the zoo.

What about the fear that causes the joy to be sucked right out of your life and leaves you paralyzed day in and day out? This is something that I know a lot about. You may be shocked to know that fear causes me to cry myself to sleep many nights. No one really knows about this except me and the Almighty Himself – not even George who is sleeping mere inches from my sobbing head. I have learned to sob quietly.

I remember way back when I was a freshman in college promising myself that I would not ever let fear control my life. I did not tell myself this in an effort to comfort my current fears since at the time I didn’t realize this would be a battle for me. Rather, I knew I would graduate and move far away from my family and though it would be scary, this was what I knew I would be doing. That was easy though, the thought excited me – I don’t recall ever being scared. People told me I should be scared so I made this proclamation to them and myself. Funny, though, that that proclamation has always stayed in the forefront of my mind. I didn’t need to lean on that promise then, but I do now.

Fear really started in my mid-twenties and gets progressively worse with each passing day. I have feared everything. For a while my fear was that I would never get married & have children and then when I was old I would have no one to drive me the nursing home. Now, this is funny even as I type it, but I literally cried myself to sleep many nights over this. Growing old all alone… who wants to do that? Then I feared I had cancer because when I got out of the shower I had purple spots on my legs – cancer was the only logical conclusion. It never occurred to me that I have very fair skin and take much too hot of a shower. Then I feared that I would have heart attack at the gym, but thankfully they now have portable defibrillators located throughout the place so I just workout on the machines near those. It only makes sense right? I mean that way when I do go down they don’t have to move the machine that far to revive me!

This has all been easy enough to deal with, but now I have Andrew. I am now truly living for something, for someone and I want to live a very long time. And I want him to live even longer. Now my fears are very debilitating. Cancer… I could get cancer and not be able to raise my baby. Car accident… who’s to say it won’t be me in that fiery crash today? My biggest fear is that something will happen to Andrew. I fear every single day of my life that I will leave him in the car all day while I am work. That happens all the time. I fear that something will happen to him because of something I did. I am very careful about any news story I hear or read. If it happened to a child or a young mother, I can’t listen to it. It cripples me… literally. Everyday, all throughout the day, I battle fear.

I know there are many who would say that fear has no place in the life of a Christian, and I somewhat agree. But my fear and anxiety, well that’s just the thorn in my flesh. God uses it to draw me close to him. You see, my fears are about things that no one on this earth can prevent and that God himself may choose not to prevent. That is the reality of life. The good news is that I have the reality of Jesus… the freedom from fear. That freedom doesn’t mean that fear is no longer a part of my life – it will always be a part of my life.

When I cry myself to sleep at night, I do so while pouring out my fears before the Lord. Lord, I don’t want to get cancer and die until Andrew is grown. Lord, please let me live long enough to raise him to know you. Please Lord give me the wisdom to keep him safe at all times. Lord, I am scared. Every single time the same thing happens. Peace… He gives me peace & rest. He calms my fears. Never once does he say “You won’t die young”, “there won’t be an accident” or “Andrew will always be safe”. No, there is just peace that God is sovereign and in control. And every time I find myself in momentary awe and worship of the one who created me and has allowed me to fear. And that is what it is all about… the end result of our struggles should always be worship.

Fear is the thorn in my flesh and it keeps me continually at the feet of Jesus. I may be wrong, but I think it will always be there… keeping me where I need to be. I now realize that the promise I made myself back in college was not ‘Libby Inspired’, but rather ‘God Inspired’. He knew then what I would need now and he gave me something to cling to. What is your thorn? Are you praying that God will remove it? He may not. Your thorn may be the one thing that brings him the most worship and through worship, freedom is found.

Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, so that at the proper time he may exalt you.1 Peter 5:6

So, I am sitting here in the LA airport trying desperately to get home to Houston. My flight was scheduled at 5:00 this afternoon, but I was given permission to try and fly standby since the company messed up by booking me so late. So, I got to the airport at 10:00 this morning and have not made any flight yet. It is now 3:00 and am guaranteed the next flight since that was my original flight.
Now, this may seem like no big deal to you, but I cannot stop crying. I am tired since my days this week started at 5:00 am and I wasn't back to the hotel until 10:00 pm each night. When I left Houston on Monday, I left baby Andrew with fever and an ear infection. Aunt Sue flew into Houston today for the weekend and is now at the house waiting for me and it will be another 8 hours before I get there. My name got dropped from the standby list and therefore I lost my shot at the 2:25 flight. It was at this point I broke down and sobbed like a baby.
I did meet a nice gentleman that works for the airline and he got me into the presidents club. I have enjoyed leather seats, Internet & free coffee and drinks. But I really just want to kiss my baby and he is in Houston.
So, I decided to fiddle around on the internet and I found the Newsboys new song on YouTube - you can listen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdQje_gJ0ko . In the Hands of God... am in the hands of God even sitting in the airport. I don't know why he want me on the 5:00 flight, but he does. I am not happy about it, but I fly in the hands of God. I am crying and tired, but I love Him and I trust him. I think he wants me to go have a very nice meal in the airport and charge it to the company, I think Jesus would like that a lot.
Trusting the Lord in what seems trivial and irritating is just what He wants us to do. Why, Lord, could I not fly out at 11:30 this morning? I don't have the answer for that, but I do know that I am in the hands of God.

Here are the lyrics for those of you who can't get on you tube:

We have raised our hopes and our cities high
We have followed fragile dreams
But only One could take the measure of our goals
And we've stumbled over the trials of life
And we've wrestled the unseen
But only One can calm the storm inside our souls

In the hands of God we will fall
Rest for the restless, and the weary
Hope for the sinner
In the hands of God we stand tall
Hands that are mighty to deliver
Giving us freedom
When our strength gave way to the weight of guilt
'Til we strained for every breath
Only One could lift our shame and make us well
And when all is finished and we face
The fearsome power of death
Only One has overcome the gates of hell
You're amazing You're amazing, You are
And we praise You, Lord For what Your hands have done

I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine. Song of Solomon 6:3

Mama never was one for bedtime stories, those are memories I do not have. I do, however, have one story that she has told me over and over and it is my favorite story. It is the story of how she and daddy met, married and fell in love… in that order. It is an amazing story of God’s grace, mercy and wisdom. It is also a great story of perseverance and obedience on my parent’s part. I always loved telling their story, because it was so unbelievable that is almost a fairytale. I have told this story a million times, never once thinking that I would have one just as great to tell one day.

I remember the first time George & I had dinner together. It was after work one night and totally unplanned. He just happened to ask at the last minute if I would like to go get something to eat. We couldn’t call it a date really, but we both knew it was the start of something. I vividly remember sitting across from George and knowing that he was in love with me. He has always said he loved me from the minute he saw me, I know this is true. We had such a good time that night and so our relationship began.

I knew from that first meeting that George was the one and I never took the time to explore my feelings any further than that. It wasn’t long, 8 months to be exact, and we were engaged. Oh, the fun began. Wedding planning, engagement pictures, trying to merge everything together… it was all going as planned… until the 3rd week of September. I woke up one night with my heart racing, sweating, and very fuzzy thoughts. I couldn’t get a grip and worst of all I couldn’t ‘find’ my feelings for George. I t was 1:00 in the morning and I was in a panic. I started looking through my pictures of the two of us hoping the ‘lovey-dovey’ feeling would return. It didn’t, the panic got worse. So I did the only logical thing (keep in mind that nothing I did for the next 14 months was logical), I got in my car (1 am) and drove over to George’s. I tried to explain to him what was happening – although words and reason escaped me. He just held me very tight and told me it would be ok… he was right, although it would be months before I realized it.

So, two and half months before my wedding, we postponed. I needed time to get my thoughts straight. George was patient, as if this was all normal. We started dating again. The panic didn’t subside, but I was learning to manage it. Every time we tried to reschedule the wedding, I would ‘relapse’. George was patient. As time went on and the panic stayed, I began to realize that I couldn’t marry him and so I gave the ring back. He took it and was patient. He moved back to Houston and I stayed in Orlando. There was no possible way we could make it, it was a hopeless situation.

But you see… we serve a God who is not bound by the impossible or the hopeless. I serve a God who told me George was the one weeks before I ever met him. I serve a God who keeps his promises. There were many times over that 14 month period when God reiterated His promise to me. When I would question and say ‘This makes no sense’, He would respond ‘I do not work in the realm of common sense’. While still in the thick of the storm it occurred to me that God was doing something BIG in our lives… if He hadn’t revealed this to me, I don’t think I could have endured.

I remember one moment so clearly. I was on my way home from work, very tired and very discouraged. I was sitting at the light just off the interstate and thinking about the entire situation. It had become very normal for me to talk continually to the Lord – he was ALL I had at the time. I said, ‘Why is George still here? Any other man would have left by now. Why is he so steady in the boat?’ The answer was fast and clear ‘Because I hold the boat!’ It was all that had to be said and my logical nature kicked in. Why would God be holding him steady in a very unsteady situation, when there is no reason for him to stay? Because God had promised him to me and me to him. God had set us apart for each other before the beginning of time.

It was still several months before I got my ring back and longer still until we said our vows. But I knew the entire time that I would marry George. I knew I would spend the rest of my life with him. I knew this but I didn’t know when the emotion, the love, would return. To this day I don’t know when it did return, but it did, I suppose gradually over time. George and I should not be married and we certainly should not be happy, but we are. We get mad and we fuss & fight, but we have those tough times and clear moments with God that unite and keep us focused on Him and each other.

There is a song by Bebo Norman called ‘I Will Lift My Eyes’ that was ‘my song’ for 14 months. The first line was not a line I sang, but one I prayed daily, sometimes hourly – ‘God, my God, I cry out, your beloved needs you now’. The entire song is great, but it was that one line that brought me peace every time I said it. It’s that one word – Beloved! I am HIS beloved and HE is mine. He loves me and I love him. My love for George is great, but my love for HIM must shadow all other. Before my panic attacks he was my God since my panic attacks he has become my Beloved. I thank Him for those hard, painful times. I thank Him for every tear, every sleepless night and every hopeless thought. Without all of this I would never have really known my Beloved.

I am anxiously awaiting the day that I get to share with Andrew the story of how George and I came to be. I cannot wait to tell him of our love story. I am excited for the day when the realization hits him that our story is a story of a Great Love… the Love of My Beloved.

and all, whatever ye may do in word or in work, [do] all things in the name of the Lord Jesus -- giving thanks to the God and Father, through him. Col.3:17

So, this was a verse that was often quoted in our house growing up, but more often it was demonstrated. Honestly, I never really applied it to my life until last year. This is not to say that I didn’t do a good and honest job before then, but it wasn’t until a year ago that I had to really decide to do my job as if I was doing it for the Lord.

You see last January I was still working in a temp job for an Oil & Gas consulting firm here in Houston. I had been certain that God had called me to get my teaching certification and begin teaching 4th graders. So, I got the certification ($1000 later) and took a temp job to make ends meet until God opened a door in the school system. The problem is – he never did. I didn’t get any calls on a teaching job. At my temp job I was being led to believe that they were creating an IT job for me. Daily I was asked to just be patient and they would have a job for me. Meanwhile, I did basic office tasks which included filing, data entry and stocking the snacks in the break room (sure, I ate a few along the way.)

This was all fine and dandy until the day came that I had to get coffee for 2 clients that had come in. I held back tears for the rest of the day and when I got in my car, the tears flowed. How Lord, how could you put me in a position that I am fetching coffee for others? All those people who did me wrong and treated me like I was nothing more than the office blond at previous jobs would be laughing now. This job was not below me, but it was way below my education level. In fact, my education level was above half of those I was filing for! I cried all the way home. But, this verse never left the forefront of my mind. So, I told the Lord that if this was where he wanted me, then I would do my job as if I was doing it for him.

It was about 3 weeks later that I got an email from a local headhunter that had seen my resume. He wanted to touch base with me to see if I would be interested in programming position here in Houston. I hesitated to call him – God had called me to teach. But, I felt a constant nagging, so I called 3 days later. It seems that the 99 Cent Only Stores needed a Sr. Software Developer in their Katy office. Now here is the thing – Houston is the 4th biggest city in the nation and the this job was literally down the road from my house. PICK is not a common language – and there is a PICK job right down the road from my house. This seemed to good to be true. Then I saw the word that struck fear to my core – SENIOR! I could not be a Senior developer… no way. I have never been given the chance to do that. I almost told the guy no because I was scared. But, I agreed to interview – what was the worst that could happen?

To tell you truth, there was a lot that could happen. I prayed and prayed about this interview. If I messed it up and came off as an idiot then I would feel that I WAS an idiot – it was how I had been treated my entire professional career. I just could not understand how God could send me this opportunity knowing what a disaster it would be and how I would feel. Plus – I was 7 months pregnant. There was no way they were going to hire me. The interview went well – I met with the manager, director and VP. I disclosed my pregnancy and answered the questions well enough. The job was a Senior position and I didn’t feel qualified. Two weeks later – I GOT THE JOB – and 1 week later I started as a Sr Developer (although that title is written nowhere – LOL).

What a blessing! It was a blessing and if the story ended there I would be eternally grateful for all the Lord had done, but it didn’t end there. Turns out I got paid maternity leave, I have Christian bosses and coworkers– real Christians, and get to wear jeans everyday if I so choose. I am the lead developer on the biggest project that is going right now, and I am doing a great job. I know this because both my manager and my director have called me in to let me know. I don’t say this boastfully, I say it in awe. God…Jesus… loves me so much that gave me this job – like a cupcake on a gold pletter. He wants me to know that he KNOWS I am a capable, smart and professional woman. Everyday I give this job back to the Lord. Everyday I do my job as if I am doing it for him.

I don’t know for sure, but I think God was waiting for me to be willing to fetch coffee for Him, before he would reveal his plans for me. I have no clue why I have a teaching certification; maybe I will use it one day, maybe not. Today, I really don’t care, I just want to do this job until the Lord leads me to the next. What are you doing today? Are you an engineer, an office admin or a stay at home mom? Whatever you are doing today, do it for the Lord – even if you aren’t doing what you planned. The blessings are many.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

Psalms 119:105

I, like most people, have had many bibles over the years. The one I carry now is inscribed with my married name – Libby Juarez. Aunt Maedeb got it for me as a wedding gift and I carry it with me to church every Sunday. I like that bible a lot, but it is not my bible (Sorry Aunt Maedeb). That bible is my Sunday bible and is in the same category as my Sunday clothes are – prim, proper and meant for Sunday. Then there is my bible. My bible is much like your fat pants – a comfy friend that you love to see.

I remember when I got that bible, I wanted it so bad. The church always gave the graduating seniors a new bible the Sunday before graduation. King James Version – Scofield Study Bible, burgundy. That’s been almost 12 years ago now. I have lots of notes in there, underlined passages and a few candy wrappers that haven’t been discarded. This is my ‘go to’ bible. I can navigate that thing like as good as Billy Graham! Ok, that may be a little bit of a stretch, but you get my point.

When I was in the worst of my panic attacks, I experienced such violent and graphic dreams that I could not sleep, going days without much sleep at all. I would grab my bible and sleep with it as close to me as I could get it. As crazy as it sounds, that worked. The peace of God literally flowed from those leather bound pages and gave me rest.

A few nights ago, I laid down early and reached for my bible before cutting off the light. Both bibles were sitting there, but I grabbed my bible. I instantly felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me and reminding me of all the difficulties that bible has seen me through. I really don’t know what I would do or where I would be without God’s word. I am the first to admit that I am much to cavalier when it comes to my ‘daily bible readings’ but, my new years resolution is to change that. My prayer is that the Lord will create an increasing desire for his word and for time with him. I have learned that God delivers on these types of request.

Since finding out I was pregnant with Andrew, my aim in life has been to raise Andrew in such a way that he seeks and realizes God plan for his life. I know that he was created for a purpose and God has great things for him. I truly believe that it is our – George & I – responsibility to guide him and point him in that direction. God has brought it to my attention, however, that I have neglected someone in that quest – ME!

God does have a plan and purpose for Andrew’s life, but he also has one for mine. Just because I got married and had a baby doesn't mean that he is done with me and is on to Andrew now. So, what is God’s purpose for my life now? I have no idea, but I want to find out and he wants to reveal it – in his time. Now, before you roll your eyes and think that I am a little too stuck on myself, you are in the same place! God has a plan for each and every one of us. He hasn't called us home yet which means he isn't done yet - I read that in my bible. That should be exciting to us.

I have learned the most from my parents by watching them. Maybe, just maybe the best way to raise Andrew to realize God’s plan for his life is to allow him to watch as I realize God’s plan for my life.

The Voice of God

This past weekend George and I got the itch to get a new car. Not so much a car, but an SUV - anything with more space. Now for those of you reading this and shaking your head saying ' I tried to tell you that when you bought a Jetta!', all I say to you is that you make your decisions based on 1 - prayer and 2 - the information you have at the time. At the time we purchased our small Jetta, we needed a commuter car for George and gas prices were at $4 a gallon. The Jetta was the ONLY vehicle we had a peace about and that is why we got it. So put that wagging finger back in your pocket.

ANYWAY... we decided to look at the Chevy Traverse since we really like it, it's roomy and it is American made. When we got to the dealership, it was closed. We looked at the prices and doubted we could have afforded it anyway. Perhaps we can, but it wasn't in the cards for us on Saturday. Bummed, we left to go finish our Christmas shopping. We had a wonderful day laughing and strolling through the mall together. We didn't even complain about having to change Andrew's very poopy diaper (and pants) in the car twice. My child actually had to ride home in a shirt and his diaper. Redneck?!?!

On the way home George starting talking about the Traverse and how we got 'shut down'. He laughed that God shut the door to that deal really quick. Wagging his finger in the air he said (with a very thick Spanish accent) 'No, No Jorge! Not today Jorge!!". I of course I laughed and asked him if that is how God sounds, to which he responded 'To me he does!' We both laughed as we quickly unloaded the car of child and gifts. His comment, however stayed on my mind.

I thought about what George had said and thought about what God's voice sounds like to me. Perhaps I should say what the Holy Spirits 'voice' sounds like to me. When I am 'chatting' with the Lord about light hearted things and I need a friend, I get a very witty response from him which includes words like 'dude', 'little fella', 'girl' and phrases such as 'Oh my', 'Now you know good and well...', and 'Puh-lease'. You see, when I chat with the Lord - sometimes I laugh. He makes me laugh because he has a sense of humor - he has to, why else would he have given me a sense of humor?

There are times, however, when I do not feel like laughing. Times when I am sad and I guidance and not a friend. These are the times when the Lord's voice is very soothing. Very calm and to the point. He very quickly, in a very loving tone reminds me who he is. He feels me with a sense of security because of what he says and how he says it. I truly find rest in the voice of the Lord.

So, does he speak to everyone the way he speaks to me? Maybe, but I don't think so. I am sure he says the same things, but the way he says them is probably different. As I thought about this, I realized that the voice of the Lord is very similar to the voice of the women in my family, mainly mama - but also all the other women including Grandma. You see, they are the one's who I have always laughed and cried with. They are the ones who get late night phone calls of panic and distress and talk me off the ledge. They are the earthly people who I have always ran to 'to make it all better'. It only makes sense that the voices that love the me the most would be the voice that accompanies God's words to me. Does that make any sense at all?

I know plenty of God fearing people who I am sure talk to the Lord daily. I feel certain God does not say to them 'Whatever giruhl, you are too crazy!!'. I just find it hard to believe - I could be wrong. I find it hard to believe that when the Lord speaks to my non-English speaking Mother-in-Law that he says 'Dude, those quesadilla's look awesome!'. I think he probably speaks very revrent with a soft tone and in Spanish. He speaks all the languages - not just Southern.

Now, please do not think that I am trying to paint God as a sufer dude. I am just saying that when he speaks to me he is funny at times. He is my very best friend which means - I think- he takes on the personality of someone I would actually be friends with on Earth. I think he does that for all of us. When I call my closest friends we can tell with in the first 30 seconds if it is going to a funny call or an 'I need advice' call. God takes way less than 30 seconds!

So, I don't doubt that God sometimes calls George 'Jorge' and speaks in a thick accent. Why not - George does that and so does his family when they are being funny. I am sure when God is teaching and comforting George he drops the accent and speaks in a loving, reassuring tone - whatever that is to George. God is ever amazing to me - continually shows me how Great he is. One day 'Dude' will drop from my vocabulary and I am sure it will then drop from the Lords and will be replaced with something else. How does the Lord speak to you? Do you even know?

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him. Psalm 28:7

I am not entirely sure how to start this entry off since there are so many things on my mind that I want to get written down. You see, I have been a 'Christian' since my conception and have been saved for many years now, yet I still have that moment of panic that hits just before I see God move in my life (and the life of others). When God get ready to show you just who is in control of the show, he leaves no stone unturned!

A couple of weeks ago I noticed that my paycheck had me listed as single rather than married, so I called HR and got that switched. That little change resulted in almost $270 additional each month. I was very grateful for that as was George. Finally things were starting to look a little better - we had a few credit cards paid off, baby expenses were leveling off, the house in Orlando was in good shape and now we had a little bit of extra income. I felt great - I was already decorating the front rooms of the house in my mind.

I sat at my desk as my coworker shared that he and his family were in some pretty tough financial times. He is the only one that works plus they have 4 children. Now, he is an associate pastor at his church so he was already trusting in the Lord, but you could see that he was in distress. I told him 'John, you continue to give God what is his and he will meet your every need.' I meant that and he knew it to be the truth also. We talked on and then I got an email from Ty. Funny, in the middle of my conversation with John (while I was over joyed with my current financial situation) God chooses to 'work'.

Now, as you know Ty rents my house in Orlando which helps us out a great deal. He pays 3/4 of the mortgage plus I know the house is being taken care of in my absence. Well, Ty has taken a good job opportunity back in Tallahassee and he will be moving out in 2 weeks. I was not taken by surprise with this email since mama had already given me a heads up. However, there is a big difference in preparing for reality and living reality. While I was very happy for Ty, we now have 2 mortgages.

I realized immediately that God was using this as an opportunity to grow George and I in our faith. I knew that things would probably be tough for a few months, but we needed to trust that the Lord would take care of us. I was ready for the task. I called George and we discussed and he went from panic to calm to panic to calm. I have been through a few more (and much longer) financial droughts than George has so I knew I had to live my faith in front of him as to keep him more in the 'calm' than in the 'panic'.

So here is where we are... we have to rent out the house. This means going through a management company. We will have to pay the management company for their services, we won't be able to rent the house for the amount of the mortgage which means if something happens - we have no back up money. My payment goes up in March because I lost homestead when I moved the Texas. Until it rents we have 2 payments, water and utilities. It's Christmas too... while we don't HAVE to buy for each other, we do have others we must buy for (6 year olds don't understand financial woes!). We have vacation coming up at the end of the month also. To top things off, we are on the last box of diapers that were given to us via the diaper derby at George's office. This means that for the first time since Andrew was born, we have to buy diapers. You know, they ain't cheap!!! So now, that 'raise' I got has been snatched away and then some.

Regardless of the circumstances at hand, I know God is in control. I know this because he has worked such miracles in my life in the past. It is good to look back sometimes because it gives you strength to move forward. George and I sat at the table and discussed what we were going to do and I told him 'It is easy to trust God when you can handle it without him, it is a totally different thing when you realize you can't handle it without him.' I watched George put our tithe check in the offering plate on Sunday and I knew what an act of faith that was. I am excited to see how God moves in our lives over the next few months, but I don't want to wait until he does to praise him for it. This time I am praising him in advance for the blessings that will come.

I know that God may choose not allow my house to rent for 6 months or ever. I also know that if he doesn't then he will provide what we need to make the payments. If a prolonged period of financial struggling is what is needed to grow our faith then I am prepared for that. Don't misunderstand me... I DO NOT want a prolonged period of financial struggling, but if that is part of the plan, then I am willing. Having to fully lean on the Lord and watching him bring us through can only make us better parents, better spouses and better servants. That's the whole point, right?