Andrew,


The day is finally here… you’re graduating today! To be clear, this is only your pre-school graduation and you are only, just barely 5 years old, but I am still very proud of you. All grown up in your cap & gown, getting ready to start a very big and exciting new adventure in your life, you’ll never know how much of my heart belongs to you. My eyes are full of tears just thinking of who you are, where you began and where you will go. I want to clutch you under my protective wing and keep you safe from all the evil of this world. I cannot do that, I know, and you must head out and start making your own way, baby step by baby step. Knowing that, I’d like to take some time and tell you a few things before you go.

You are special because of whose child you are. My sweet baby boy, you belonged to God long before you belonged to me and your daddy. You are a child of the King and I pray you never for a minute let the enemy deny you of the Joy that comes with that knowledge. Go forward with boldness into a world that is in dire need of a few good men.

As long as there is a breath in my body, you will always have a cheerleader behind you. I’ll be behind you because you are growing up every day and I am noticing more and more how you don’t need me to lead you as much as you did yesterday. You don’t need me beside you, holding your hand because you are not a baby and you don’t want your friends to laugh (that makes my heart sting a little), but you do need me and you always will. You will always turn around; look around to find my face; to make contact with my eyes. And each time that happens I hear the ‘I love you’ that you sometimes can’t say and I know that you hear the silent ‘I love you too’… and I do!

“God has not called us to be successful, but he has called us to be faithful.” Mother Theresa is credited with this quote and it is my all time favorite! If only we could understand that we are made for a purpose and if we trust Him to find it, then and only then are we successful. You will encounter numerous people who will try to guide you on a path of worldly success, but if you are not where God has led you, it is for nothing. I pray with all my heart that you will hear His voice as you grow from boyhood to manhood and that you will follow where he leads. You were created for a purpose, find it!

Be kind, compassionate and love people. This will get you much further in life than the honor roll ever will. People need love. The world is in need of a kind word and a gentle spirit. I pray you will be the one who offers your snack to the classmate that never has one. I pray that you will play with the little boy who has no friends. That you will know when to step in and make a difference in someone’s life with an act of kindness. And if it takes someone being unkind to you in order for you learn that, then so be it, but I pray God protects my heart as you walk through your own hurt.

It’s okay to pull a pretty girls hair, but remember she is a lady and should be treated as such. This will be learned over time, I’m sure, but I hope that when you are grown and on your own you will say that your father and I modeled a Godly marital relationship for you.

It’s okay to be scared and to even cry, but know you are never alone. I cannot always be there for you, simple fact. But HE will NEVER leave you, faithful promise!

Know when the ball is not in your court and the fight is not yours. Best lesson Grandmama ever taught me. You may not always like the rules, but most of the times you need to follow them. Sometimes you will even be justified in your fight, but a wise man knows when the fight is worthwhile and when it is not. Respect authority and be a man of character and integrity for they are far and few between.

When the fight is yours, fight with love and respect. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what’s right. Do not let the world teach you when to fight or how to fight. If the fight is right, then the FIGHT will be right.

Pretend there is a prize for the ‘Best Big Brother’ and strive to win it every day! Never take this job lightly and always do it with honor. Even now Landon looks up to you as an example. If you laugh, he laughs. If you spit, he spits. If you throw your food across the kitchen… yep, he throws his food across the kitchen. This is all silly and harmless at 5 & 2 years old, but you are growing up fast and he will always be watching. You will be accountable for the example you set… let it be a good one.

Bad decisions do not define who you are. Get up, brush yourself off and do better next time. I know you will make mistakes; you’ve already made your fair share. I’ll be cheering you on for every good and right decision you make in life. But, on those occasions that you fall down and make the wrong decision, I will be there to help you up. I’ll be cheering the loudest as you learn from your mistakes and move forward in His grace.

Don’t lie. Just don’t do it… if you mess up, fess up. Yes, a half truth is a lie and there is no honor in that.

Never be ashamed to hug and kiss your mama… only God loves you more.

Baby boy I have said it a thousand times, but I never fully knew Gods grace until I saw your sweet face. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May His face shine upon you and be gracious and give you peace.

I Love You,

Mama

Boys,

I have tried countless time to write this post and I keep starting over. I feel it gets preachy and overshadows my point entirely. People don’t like ‘preachy’… if ever in your life you are called ‘preachy’, rest assured you were not just given a compliment.

We are living in very troubled times today. Not just in America, but the entire world. On a recent drive to the office my heart was so heavy. I cried all the way from the house to the office and was literally fearful of the world you boys will grow up in. We are living in a world where we are told to define what is good for our own selves, but not to impose that on others. We each have a moral compass in which to judge ourselves, but not our neighbor. Our Churches are full of people with different views on topics for which there is only one view, Gods view. The saddest part is that people have become so good at selling their view that you feel (and are told you are) foolish, narrow-minded and judgmental if you do not subscribe to it.

So, there I was driving to work and I cried “Lord, they are winning. The world has made a mockery of you. They have twisted your Word, your commandments and your Truth. They are selling a new truth and the world, or more importantly ‘your people’, is buying it. Why are you allowing it? Day after day, year after year you choose not to reach down and smite those that blaspheme you? I do not understand and I am sad and angry!” And honestly, that emotion was bubbling over in a very outward manner.

You know, there are times when you pray and the answer comes in time, and there are times when it is swift. This was one of those times. Immediately & clearly I heard Him speak to my heart and His words were firm, kind and unmistakable… “Man’s opinion of me does not change who I am. The worlds view of me changes from day to day – mood to mood. I am God – THE GOD - the same yesterday, today and forever.”

There was nothing more to say. He was right – obviously. We cannot change the attributes of God. We can define Him in any way we see fit and makes us feel better about ourselves, but that doesn’t make it so. And no, they are not winning. God wins. Period! Peace… peace only God can give when he speaks to you. When you allow Him to speak to you and you hear Him. I am so glad that I serve a God who speaks to me when I am doing the most mundane of daily activities.

Last week, our nation fell back into dark days as an Elementary School was attacked and the most innocent among us were taken. As a mother, I cannot imagine the grief of those parents. I feel so burdened to live in a time when evil just walks the street among us. But it always has, hasn’t it? Oh Lord, I need Your Peace now, but not just me Lord, those parents; this nation. This world is in need of the One who holds it in His hand.

Listening to the radio recently I heard Casting Crowns version of ‘I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day’. I’ve never cared for this song until I heard this version and it is, in my opinion, amazing! I loved it from the beginning, but then these words broke through “God is not dead nor does he sleep…” Peace. He was speaking to me again. Not just words that make a good poem/ song, but rather words of Truth! I cannot know the mind of God or why he allows the things he allows. All I know is that in light of eternity, the pain we may feel on this earth is just a bleep on the radar. I know the same God that gives me Peace is giving it tenfold to those that are experiencing unimaginable pain today. I know this because He has promised this. And He always keeps his promises.

As Christmas draws near, I am praying that the Light of Jesus is evident in our home. I am praying that even in your adolescents, you can understand that it’s ALL about a baby delivered of a virgin to deliver us. I pray the Peace of God over you; that you may grow to love and honor Him with your lives. As much as I love you, He loves you more.

Link to Casting Crowns ‘I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7670CXvPX0

Much Love and Merry Christmas,

Mama

Ordinary!

At the urging of my mother, I am postponing my latest ‘letter to the boys’ and am going to share with you about the morning I had. Oh, this isn’t a special morning… this is a typical morning. Every morning ends the same way… with my falling into my desk chair, hair askew, face to the desk blindly fumbling for my coffee cup because a cup of coffee will make it all better! I wanna cry, but I work with all men (of various cultures) who have no tolerance for crying women and frankly, most of which believe this is my punishment for choosing to ‘work outside the home’!

My alarm went off at the normal time of 5:30 am – the only sound was the gentle hum of the ceiling fan & the sprinkler in the backyard. I woke with my typical hot flash and went to dabbing sweat and gave brief consideration to throwing myself violently into the sprinkler. George frowns upon such dramatic displays, so instead, I kicked my legs out from under the covers and decided to skip the morning workout and deny myself breakfast instead. Seems like a fair trade. Eventually, I rolled out, got in the shower and as treat to myself (and George) shaved my legs! I stopped at the knee because it’s Thursday and I didn’t want to get too carried away!

Fast forward about 20 minutes – Andrew is now awake and I hear cooing come from Landon’s room. I scurry to get him from the crib (there’s about 1 millisecond before cooing turns into screaming) with Andrew right at my heels begging for breakfast – seems these kids want breakfast EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING! So I quickly put 2 toaster strudels in the toaster grab 2 cups for milk only to be infromed by Andrew that he doesn’t want milk, he wants water. At least he is proficient at serving himself water. Andrew at table with iced strudel (& water); Landon in chair with cut up iced strudel (minus one piece I ate myself… to check for proper temperature, of course) & milk. Cartoons on… breakfast is served.

It was at this time that George walked into the kitchen. Here’s the thing about my beloved – he escapes the morning routine every day. He walks out of the house with clothes fitting perfectly, every hair in place and always looking perfectly rested. It is for this reason alone that I snickered to myself as I noticed he was walking out of the house with a wrinkled shirt, unaware! HAHAHA, revenge… that’ll teach him! He turned on his way to the door and gave a ‘ta-ta’ wave as he smiled, telling us how much he loved us all. We all 3 looked at him, returning the same wave & smile. He then proclaimed ‘I love those boys – they are just perfect’. I’m sure he meant me too. For that brief moment we really were the Cleavers and being as such, I should have known ‘The Beav’ was about to wreck havoc on the morning. Which one is ‘The Beav’ you ask? Both!

With the children eating breakfast, I went to blow dry my hair. Why I even bother, I don’t know. The end result is always a guessing game as to which animal my style represents today. While blow drying, I look around the corner into the kitchen to see a wide-eyed Andrew staring at me. Never good. I turn off the blow dryer and walk in the kitchen. Immediately he says “I didn’t do it… Landon did it”. I look over at Landon; he is happily watching TV about 3 feet in front of a puddle of water with Andrew’s cup floating in it. I could only see the back of Landon’s head (a shame really, if I had seen the front I would have known he was painting himself with the filling from his cherry strudel), and I knew Landon did not spill the water. Andrew lied… oh, BEAV!

I pull Andrew into the bedroom and explain to him that I am not mad about the water, but that he lied to me and must sit in timeout. Spanking Andrew really doesn’t work – good Lord, we’ve tried. But, he hates time out, so we use it. He cried & wailed as if I had beaten him within an inch of his life. I cleaned up the water (unaware the quiet one was still ‘painting’) and finished my hair. I then pulled Andrew in my lap to reinforce why he got in trouble and that lying was not acceptable. He says he understands. I feel like we’ll have this talk again soon.

We go into the kitchen and I tell him to get dressed while I dress Landon. It is at this point I realize there is cherry filling everywhere in Landon’s general vicinity and he thinks it is hysterical! Oh, BEAV! I go get a washcloth – seriously, bounty doesn’t stand a chance, and begin the process of bathing my kid. While cleaning up this mess, I notice that Andrew has grown increasingly frustrated with his shirt. It’s a Polo style with 2 buttons and he couldn’t get it over his head. So, he took the shirt, swung it around his head about 4 times (wearing nothing but his underwear, mind you), started screaming and then flung it into the kitchen. Then he picked up his shorts and repeated the process…oh, BEAV! I made him bring me his clothes and I scolded him for his behavior and told him that it was inappropriate. Do you know what happened in that VERY moment? I kid you not; God said to me “that is exactly what you do when you think your clothes don’t fit”. Seriously, Lord? While I know you are correct (and point well taken, I truly have been known to stand in my underwear swing my clothes over my head and fling them into the wild, blue yonder!), I don’t recall inviting down for this teachable moment!?

I help Andrew get dressed and give a graham cracker to satisfy his never ending hunger while I dress Landon. I make my way to Landon’s room and begin to dress him. This process alone is why I do not feel guilty over ignoring my workout. I sit him down; he immediately turns onto his stomach, plants his face and puts it butt in the air. I flip him over and we do this 3 times. By the time I get his diaper off, my heart is racing and I have broken a sweat. By the time his new diaper is on, I realize it not on straight and his left butt cheek is hanging out. I make a rational decision that if I hurry, I can drop him off at school before he poops and the crooked diaper becomes an issue. He is finally dressed and I put him down, taking a seat in the rocking chair to catch my breath.

Now, it’s time to finish Andrew… I really, truly hate this part. Teeth & hair. Again with the drama. I am killing him because the ‘toothpaste burns’. As he spits the toothpaste in the sink, Landon (standing on the stool admiring himself in the mirror), runs his hands through the spit. We make it through that, but before I can catch Andrew, he wipes his mouth on the towel before rinsing. Toothpaste all over the towel. I heard myself correct him in a very high pitched voice. At this point, the boys are ready for departure. I just needed about 5 more minutes to myself and I thought I could count on Mickey Mouse to help me out. So, I put them in front of the TV (gasp… yes, I use my TV as a baby sitter, who wants to know?) and head off to finish myself up.

While putting on my shoes, Andrew brings me a leaf from the Peace Lilly. “Look what Landon did…” Oh, BEAV! I walked out of my room and noticed about 10 more leaves in the middle of the floor and several more in Landon’s hand. The Peace Lily was feeling anything but Peace… ironic?! I cleaned up the leaves, turned off the TV (thanks for nothing, MICKEY!!). As I herded both boys towards the door (only 8 minutes late), I remembered Ward (umm, George) saying “Make sure to leave the house clean, my parents are coming tonight”. Umm… well maybe Mother Juarez can clean the kitchen for me, but I ‘gots ta go’!

Get Andrew in the car, toss laptop in, round Landon up, buckle him in, back inside to set the alarm, grab water, find keys (forgot sunglasses), and we’re off! Skid into daycare on 2 wheels and get out of car about 2 seconds before it was actually in ‘park’. Oops… Take Landon out, have Andrew search for the Sippy cup under the seat, brush graham cracker crumbs off his face and take a deep breath… I’m almost to the finish line! A polite smile to the front desk staff (they do not look like they had the same morning). Andrew will only go into his room without crying if I let him help me drop Landon off. I open Landon’s door and he literally clings to the door frame. As I try to pry him loose, Andrew is clinging to my legs and I cannot walk. Still smiling (ever the professional) I snatch Landon off the door and throw him at his teacher – bye dude! I then drop Andrew off in his room – a little less drama (thankfully).

As I walk back down the hall (15 minutes to coffee), I straighten my shirt, hope the cherry filling on my pants isn’t too noticeable and I actually feel like I look ok today. Well, right then I walked into the parking lot and passed a woman who blew my confidence to smithereens in what I swear was a slow motion passing. She had beautiful, wavy brunette hair (did NOT resemble an animal!), was VERY thin (I presume she adopted because there is no way that child came from her stomach!), and her heels matched her pencil skirt perfectly! I sat myself in the car and determined that she probably had matching lingerie on too. The only thing I had to offer was the JC Penny underwear I bought 3 years ago which were currently sitting 4 inches above the top of my pants. Face to hands, I moaned “I am so ordinary”… and not in a good way.

Do you ever feel like this? Ordinary? Maybe even less than ordinary? I think we all have our days, even the woman with gorgeous hair and nice shoes! But, am I ordinary? Who am I, really? This is who I am:

I am the salt of the earth…Matt. 5:13

I am the light of the world…Matt. 5:14

Out of my innermost being flows rivers of living water…John 7:38

I am loved by Jesus…John 15: 9

I belong to God, I am His…John l 7: 9

I am beloved of God, a saint... Rom. 1:7

I am an heir of God and fellow heir with Christ…Rom. 8:17

I am a sanctified saint in Jesus Christ…I Cor. 1:2

I am God’s fellow-worker, I am God’s field, God’s building…I Cor. 3:9

I am a temple of God in which the Spirit of God indwells…I Cor. 3:16

I am a fragrance of Christ to God among both the saved and the lost…2 Cor. 2:15

I am crucified with Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in me, and the life I live now I live by faith…Gal. 2:20

I am a child of God through Jesus Christ…Eph. 1:5

I have a power source within me which is able to do abundantly beyond all that I ask or think…Eph. 3:20

I am confident that He who began a good work in me will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus…Phil. 1: 6

I am part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a purchased people 1 Pet 2:9

I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works Eph 2:10.

The list goes on & on… This is just a small sample of who I am in Christ. I may be ordinary to the world, but to those 2 babies I just dropped off, I am anything but ordinary. More importantly, to Christ, well, he delights in me! He is cheering me on and equipping me with the wisdom to do this job well. THIS job of motherhood which is the hardest job I’ve ever done. To whom much is given, much is required. Yes, each day presents both new & familiar challenges and many times I wind up feeling rather worthless. I mess up and I get up. I’m sure you can relate. But there is nothing in scripture to back up that feeling. There is no truth to the lies of the enemy. I can rest in the truth of God’s word and know that every morning will begin with two things: That familiar hot flash & new mercies.

I pray you wake up tomorrow with only new mercies!

Boys,

I was taught a very valuable lesson recently and guess who the teacher was? You! Both of you, actually! Now, this happens often to parents, but rarely do we slow down enough to accept the lesson. It is very humbling to know a 3 year old and a 1 year old can teach what you should have known all along. What you should have been teaching them.

I hope by the time you read this it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to you. I hope you are not nodding your head saying “Yep that sounds like mama alright!”. I would like to think I have grown in the years since I wrote this letter, that I have truly taken this lesson to heart.

You see, as of 2011 I have a major hang up which, in a matter of seconds can take me from a Praise-The-Lord-Hallelujah fit to a Pulling-My-Hair-Out-I-Hate-Life fit. Seriously, I admit it is really bad and unacceptable. What is this horrible hang up? My clothes (and hair if I am being honest)… ok let’s just say my appearance overall. Or at least my perception of my appearance at any point in time. Absurd… truly!

So, anyway… one night your father thought he would help me out and put the clothes from the washer in the dyer for me. Not until the dryer buzzed in completion did I realize that my jeans were in there… MY JEANS HAD BEEN DRIED! Oh boys, boys, boys… mama does not dry her jeans. Things happen in the dryer and they happen to only my clothes. They shrink at least 2 sizes. Seriously my loves, I’m even considering opting out of drying my underwear! Shrunken underwear is worse than shrunken jeans! Trust me….

Well, at the realization of my surely shrunken jeans I sailed up from whatever I was doing and I started crying. I really cried. Not only had my jeans been dried… but they were my fat jeans! You know that onepair of jeans that you can always wear and they don’t touch you anywhere?? Those jeans had been shrunk… they were no longer my fat jeans, but rather just my jeans. I had to go to bed, emotionally spent at the thought of what tomorrow morning would be like when I tried to put them on.

I got up early the next morning to work out… maybe if really gave it my all, I would lose a few pounds before getting dressed. I waited until your father left for work to get dressed. A quick little prayer later I slid my jeans on. They fit… they fit like any other pair of jeans. They were no longer my fat jeans, they touched me. I cried. I am not kidding you, I cried. I put on my makeup… tears being shed the entire time. I did my hair and of course it laid up there like a dead rat that had been moussed and blow dried! Pure sadness all the way around. At this point I threw the brush… threw it in rage. I can tell you it was not the first time I took my bad hair day out on my hair brush. Odd behavior…

Oh well, who cares… I’m just a sad old mother. May as well go buy a mini-van and wear elastic waistband the rest of my life. This is when I decided to get you boys ready. Oh Landon, you looked precious but honey you crawled behind me for at least 100 minutes crying, wanting to be picked up. You kept pulling on my legs all the while rubbing snot down the backside of my shrunken jeans. Nerves hanging on by a thread at this point.If I could just get your teeth brushed, Andrew and hair done I could get out the door and be done! Oh Andrew, at age 3 you do not stand still at all. Your hair was askew and toothpaste had dropped on your shirt. I lost it. I yelled at you both… I may have thrown your hair brush too.

You both started crying and I so did I. I was so ashamed because I had taken my shrunken jeans out on you. I picked you up (Andrew) and told you I was sorry and I loved you very much. I told you both it was not your fault mama was sad and I was wrong to yell at you. Landon, you smiled at me as if I was the greatest, most perfect person in the world. And in your little 1 year old eyes, I was. Andrew, you said ‘I forgive you mommy.’ And when I said ‘Thank-You, buddy’, you said ‘You should have some candy, it’ll make you feel better’. How sweet are you?

Once I got you dropped off at school and I got quiet for a few minutes, God really started to deal with me. He reminded me of Proverbs 31. Every churched woman in the world aspires to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Two verses were very appropriate on this morning:

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. (Prov 31:25)

Clothed in strength & dignity? Nowhere were my jeans mentioned. I certainly had not been clothed in either strength or dignity this morning. And I certainly was not laughing.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Prov.31:30)

Every woman in the world needs to hide this verse in her heart. Boy do I have to go back to it on a daily basis. This world really wants me to believe my worth is found in my pants size and youthful skin, but that is not what God cares about (however, he does care about being healthy – another topic for another day). God is far more concerned about matters of the heart. He is concerned about my relationship with Him. Where I stand with Him flows directly into my relationship with others – particularly you and your father.

I sat in the parking lot of worked and just cried and asked the Lord to forgive me. I asked him to help me to focus on the things that matter. To put my outward beauty into proper perspective and not lose sight of what is important in His eyes. I would much rather be a good, Godly mother and wife than to turn heads when I walk down the street.

I also thought about what true forgiveness is. You boys had been the face of what forgiveness should look like. I was not kind to either of you. You had every right to be mad at me. But, when I asked you to forgive me, you not only smiled and did so, but you tried to make me feel better. Landon you just gave me a look of adoration and Andrew, you tried to fix it with candy. No, candy couldn’t fix it, but your sweet, Christ-like attitude went a long way in helping.

I thank God for you both daily. You are so sweet and so very special. You truly are gifts to this world and I know God his hand on you. I thank Him that he made me slow down a little and learn a lesson from 2 small children. I pray that as you grow in both wisdom & knowledge, that you will never cease to learn lessons from ‘the least of these’. Sometimes we are the teacher and sometimes we are the student. God is always working in your lives, so stay alert, learn from your mistakes and be willing to teach others!

Love you much,
Mama

Boys,

"God has not called us to be successful. He has called us to be faithful."
– Mother Teresa

I have had that quote scribbled on a post-it note at work for over 2 years, just above my computer
monitor. I look at it about 50 times a day and really meditate on it. I have wanted to write about it since I first found it. I have started a post countless times and I always get stuck. I just cannot seem to convey in words the truthfulness and deep conviction I sense every time I read it.

Earlier this week I sat myself down to finally finish the post; it has been nearly 2 months since
my last entry – the time is now. Stuck again! I am really not a writer, so I cannot claim writers block. I can’t claim lack of knowledge since all I want to convey is what is actually in my heart and head. So what is it Lord, why can I not write about what seems so important to me?

Finally, the answer… I don’t need to ‘teach’ you the importance and meaning of Mother Teresa’s
statement. I just need to show it to you and then it is up to you what you do with it.

You see, my sweet boys, if you really allow that statement to resonate with you, it could
dramatically change the course of your lives. That statement completely contradicts
the conventional ‘wisdom’ of this world. You are already (at 3 years old & 10 months old) being prepped for a lifetime of great achievement. Your father and I will actually be judged on your success in life. What you need to know and hold tightly to is the fact that the world’s definition of success and God’s definition of success is totally different.

True success is not measured by money or the things you have. It is not measured by the number
of people who know your name or how many books are written by you or about you. Sure, God’s plan for your life may be CEO of a major company or a Nobel Peace Prize winner. But, it may be that God has called you to be one of the greatest missionaries of modern time – like Mother Teresa, with very little material possessions. Chances are it is somewhere in between. I don’t know what he has created you for...

My prayer for you as you grow into young men and then men and then old men, is that you
continually seek the Lord’s purpose for you in life. He does have a purpose for you. His word specifically tells us that:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Those plans may go dramatically against what you have planned for yourself and certainly what the world has planned for you. We must, as His children, prayerfully seek His guidance and commit to stay the course. Sure, you may (and probably will) get side tracked from time to time, but get back in line with His plan for you and keep on keepin’ on.

It is only… ONLY … through faithfulness to God that you will ever taste true success.

I Love, Love, Love You,
Mama

Boys,

I love you, Lord, my strength. Ps 18:1

I am so excited to write you this letter today. God has been burning this letter & this revelation in my heart for about a month now. I pray that it will speak to you and open your eyes the way it has opened mine. It is simply a letter about saying ‘I Love You’!

Andrew, recently you told me you loved me out of the blue. You just ran your little legs up to me and said ‘I love you’… unprompted. My heart melted! When I say ‘I love you, buddy’ you respond ‘I love you too’. My heart melts…

Landon, you are too young to tell me you love me. You have no vocabulary at the ripe old age of 7 months! But, when I walk into a room your face lights up and you kick your legs in jubilee! This is how you say ‘I love you’. When you are crying and I walk by, you hold your hands up for me and when I pick you up; you lay your head on my shoulder and sigh. That sigh is ‘I love you’… my heart melts every single time.

There are no words to accurately describe what is felt when your child says ‘I love you’. I hope & pray that I never grow so accustomed to hearing it that my heart ceases to melt at the proclamation. I pray as long as we live there is a constant communication of “I love you”… “I love you too”.

One day recently, as I reflected on how great it was to hear those words from your child, I felt sadness. I thought how terrible it must be for parents who children do not tell them they love them. Those children who have total disregard for all the things mama & daddy do and sacrifice just for their children. How heartbreaking to give all of you for your child and to get little to nothing in return from them. No I love you… no thank you… just take, take and take some more. As much as a parent loves a child, to get no expression of love in return must be the worst feeling in the world.

Light Bulb! Sometimes, the Holy Spirit can really swoop right down and grab you by the shoulders and shake you until your teeth nearly fall out. I cannot tell you the number of times since becoming a mama that the Lord has said to me “How much more do I love you”?

You see, I love you boys so much it hurts sometimes, but how much MORE does He love me? I cannot fathom! If I long to hear you say ‘I love you’ how much more does He desire to hear it from me? If my heart melts because of a mere smile you give me when you see me, how much more does he desire that reaction from me? I take and I take from him, blessing after blessing and yet day after day I find myself too busy to say ‘Thank You, I love you’.

Oh, like a dagger to the heart! I do love the Lord… I really do, but I am really lacking in my communication with him. And he loves me enough to point it out to me. I don’t want to go another day without telling Him that I love him and thanking him for all he has given me. I want you to be raised in a home where you see this lived out in front of you. As you grow, I want you to understand where your blessings come from and I want you to know how to return love to him. Sure, you’ll fall short, but I pray your heart is open to his voice when he convicts you of that.

I love you my sweet, sweet boys. I love you more than you could ever imagine, but how much more does he love you? Acknowledge it and return it!

Mama

Boys,

Last night, both of you at separate times, snuggled and slept next to me for a while. We shared one pillow and I pulled you close. I kissed your sweet faces about 20 million times and it never once occurred to me that I, myself needed to get to sleep. I am tired today and that’s ok!

I laid there with you pulled up next to me and I prayed for you. Praying for your children, I think, is the very best thing you can do for them. My prayer was simple, really just thanking God for allowing me the privilege to be your mama. Asking him to bless you and to give me the wisdom to raise you in such a way that you grow to know him... to really know him!

I’m not a perfect mama, Lord knows that is true. I work rather than stay home with you. I have no real TV policy – you watch more than the recommended 1 hour a day. I let you eat poptarts and sometimes forget to brush your teeth. I just fall short sometimes; often…

But I love you. I love, love, love, love, love you. I want the best for you. I don’t want the worlds best for you; I want God’s best for you. That’s the sweet spot my loves and don’t you ever let this world tell you otherwise!

Be good & do good because you are good; created by a loving God in his image for might works!!!



Love, Love, Love,
Mama

Boys,

By the time you read this you will have no doubt heard the phrase ‘Thank God for unanswered prayers!’ People are known to say this all the time and while it makes for a great country song, I don’t think it is accurate at all. It is my belief and certainly my experience that God always answers the prayers of his children with one of three answers.

Sometimes God says ‘not now’…

I met your father in August of 2005, but it was in July that God impressed upon my heart that our meeting was very near. I know, that sounds absurd, but for real, God does actually communicate with his children. Anyway… I had an impromptu lunch with your daddy and a co-worker and I knew he was ‘The One’. Well as you know, a short 8 months later we were engaged! A mere 6 months into the engagement (and 2 months before the wedding), the panic attacks started which led to us postponing the wedding.

Of course anytime you postpone an already planned wedding – everyone thinks the wedding will never happen. This includes the persons who used the word ‘postponed’ in the first place (ME). I was heart-broken and confused to say the least. I was standing in my backyard late one night and it was quiet and the moon was full; I remember it like it was yesterday. My heart was in so much pain and I just looked up and cried “I don’t understand”. That’s what my mouth said, but my heart was pouring out the assurances God had given time and again that your daddy was, indeed, ‘the one’. “I thought he was the one… I don’t understand”. Just like that, God said “He is… just not right now”. What???

Well, you know the rest of the story. The wedding went from being postponed, to being called off to “here’s the ring back” and then… then God said “It’s time”. There have been ups & downs, but we were wise to listen and to wait. The things he taught us in that time of waiting better prepared us for marriage and all the things that come with sharing your life with someone else. It also gave us a sense of commitment going into the marriage that otherwise may not have been there.

Sometimes God says ‘no’…

Soon after the wedding – much too soon – we were greeted with the wonderful news that in 6 months we would be having a baby. I recall feeling many things at that moment, but joy was not one of them. I was scared, angry and terribly disappointed. This could not be. I am not the poster child for shotgun weddings. I cried and cried and when I could cry no more, I just made groaning, woe-is-me sounds.

I’ve written this before and it is as hard now as it was then, but I had hoped to lose the pregnancy. I felt sure God would spare me the humiliation of telling everyone I was pregnant when I got married. Please God, please take it away. God said No…

Andrew Nathan… you are here because God said no! My eyes are filled with tears because I am still in awe of how great my God is. How gracious He is and how thankful I am for the no’s he has given me. I cannot look at you nor think of you without uttering a prayer of thankfulness.

Sometimes God says ‘yes’...

And then, two years later your daddy & I knew we wanted another baby to love. We prayed and asked the Lord in his time, would he bless us with another gift just as special as Andrew. We didn’t have to wait long to get his answer. It seems as quickly as we asked God said yes! And before I knew it, my belly was great with child once again.

Those 9 months went by so quickly and we went from a family of three to a family of four. Landon, you are my little love bug. You are the sweetest ‘yes’ in my life. Had I not walked the hard road of ‘not now’ & ‘no’, I doubt I could have known what a blessing the ‘yes’ was. I honestly can’t remember a time when I didn’t love you both. Even long before you were ever given to me, I loved you. The journey here has been long and treacherous at times. There have been days when I wanted to pull my hair out, but every day has been a blessing. He has held me through it all and he is holding you too.

You will ask God for many things as you walk through life. Some things will be frivolous and self-serving while other things will be the earnest pleas of your heart. Know that regardless of the answer, God will not only answer, but he is sovereign in that answer. I know it is hard to trust the Lord sometimes, but had I not trusted him life would be much different for me… and you as well. The yes’s are sweet, but the “not-now’s” and “no’s” contain blessings that cannot be met or replaced by any other answer. “Lean not on your own understanding…”, but lean fully into the goodness of the Lord.




All my love,
Mama

Boys,

The other day I watched you as you did your thing. Andrew, your thing was building a garage with your Lego’s and singing ‘Oh, How I Love Jesus’ quietly while you played. You only sing quietly when it slips your mind that you may have an audience. Landon, your thing was bouncing yourself to sleep in the bouncer that hangs from our bedroom door. We have been thankful for that thing more than once!

I watched you both and thought of how much I love you. I tried to think of the words to express it, but nothing would come to mind. Every word I thought of seemed so trivial and undeserving of my love for you. So, I thought I would make a list of things I love in comparison to my love for you:

* When the air starts to smell like fall and the grass is so cool you can't help but walk barefoot in it.
* Warm cobbler (any cobbler) with vanilla ice cream just slightly melted over the top
* Morning coffee with no rush to be anywhere
* Road trips
* Shoes
* Florida State Football... and Bobby Bowden
* Sitting on Papa & Grandmama's porch
* Melted cheese
* Pancakes cooked in butter
* Office supplies
* Every day from October 1st - January 1st
* Flip Flops
* A plate of fresh white acre peas, macaroni & cheese, collard greens & creamed corn
* Pajamas and fuzzy socks
* Bobby Bowden (mentioned again because I love him so much)
* Raspberry Pomegranate frozen yogurt with Fruity Pebbles on it (this is a new love)
* Speaking of Fruity Pebbles… sugar cereal for supper!
* Wearing your great-grandma’s costume jewelry
* Dark Chocolate

I love all of these things… but, take the love I have for each of these and add it up – It doesn’t even come close to the love I have for you! Do you understand what I am saying? I just told you that I love you more than Bobby Bowden. I have never said that to anyone in my entire life. Please don’t make me regret it!

Love,
Mama

Andrew,


We recently celebrated your third birthday and I cannot believe how fast time has flown by. It seems like just yesterday they placed you in my arms. I have to be honest, my first thoughts were not all that positive. It was fear at first sight – not the love all the magazines had led me to believe I would feel. Oh but how my love for you continues to grow. How God continues to use you daily to bless me and to bless others. Even if I combined every language known to man, I still could not accurately express how much love I have for you.

The morning of your birthday I posted a ‘Happy Birthday’ message on Facebook. I’m sure by the time you read this, you will have no idea what Facebook is and Google will no longer exists to aide you in your search to find out. Just know that it was all the rage when you were 3 years old… even Grandmama had an account. She said she never used it and thought it was silly… but she has been known to call me with information she found about someone sisters husbands best friends dogs previous owner. Some days it is a real mess!

Back to the original point… I quoted Numbers 6:24-26 as a prayer for you that day. “The Lord bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious and give you peace”. I have been quoting that scripture continually since that day. Mercy Me also put out a song in reference to the scripture “Bless Me Indeed” which I cannot stop singing. It will forever be my prayer for you and for Landon. It says all I could ever want for you in life.

In the last 3 years you have made me laugh and cry and every emotion in between! At just 3 months old you got your first fever in the middle of the night. I rocked you and cried with you until it passed. When you were just 6 months old we took you to the pumpkin patch to have your picture made and you were nearly as fat as the fattest pumpkin. I almost ate you right then and there!

When you were a year old I gave you your first sippy cup. I have forever vowed to keep alcohol as far from you as possible because the way you slung your head back and downed that juice made you a good candidate for an alcoholic! I have the video to prove it…

When you started to toddle around I got a call from the day care that you had fallen and I needed to come get you. My heart broke… you were fine, but your eye looked horrible. Black & blue the next day – I cried again. You were resilient though – running within days of walking. My little weight loss plan, you are.

You turned 2 and the simple words gave way to full sentences. The personality God gave you started to shine through in the most amazing way. I started to realize that you were everything I prayed you would be. Some days that was good… other days I went to bed very tired! You became a big brother and in spite of the fact that you have tried to pull his arms off, throw him out of my lap and hit him with a magazine – he adores you!

Now you are 3! You talk from the moment you wake up until the very second you fall asleep. You ask questions that make no sense and are not satisfied until I give an equally absurd answer. You are hard headed and stubborn. You ask for milk and when I say ok, you say ‘No, I want juice’. If I give you a poptart (yes, I fed you poptarts for breakfast regularly against the advice of your pediatrician) and the corner accidentally broke off before I handed it to you, you would protest and refuse to eat it. This would of course leave me no option other than to eat it myself!

You are not perfect, but you are pretty close in my opinion. You are God’s smile personified in my life. You are a blessing and a joy. Thank you for just being you. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May his face shine upon you and be gracious and give you peace.



All my love,
Mama

My Sweet Boys,

I want to tell you about something so personal that I have never told another living soul. You may wonder why I would chose now to share this and why on Earth in a blog that would be ready by many people before either of you ever have the chance? Well, we just celebrated Easter and I am reminded of just how much God loves us. How much he loves me and he loves you. I want you to know that you are never alone, you have never gone too far and you are never out of His reach. People need to know this and you do too.

I am certain that by the time you read this you will have long since been aware of my history with fear, anxiety & panic. I have every desire to be upfront and honest with you as I walk through each dark day. I need you to know that dark days come for us all. You will hear that ‘God is always there’ so many times in life that you may become complacent about the idea. Please guard your heart against this. I know sometimes it is the last thing you want to hear and that is ok as long as you always remember its truth!

Not long before your daddy and I got married, I was in the midst of my worst battle with panic & anxiety to date (at least up until I wrote this). I had gotten to the point where I had some good moments, even days, but then it would return. I felt no hope that it would ever leave or that I would ever be normal again… EVER! Let me just tell you that you do not have to feel hope to have hope.

This particular day was bad. It was morning and I had spent every waking second with shortness of breath, a pit in my stomach and the weight of an elephant on my chest. I carried on as normal because at that time I thought ignoring it was best –it wasn’t and God has shown me that over the years. Finally, as I was showering, I could not control it any longer. I was in a full blown panic attack and I was scared.

I got out of the shower, wrapped myself in a towel fell to my face on the bedroom floor. It was just me and God and I knew with every fiber of my being that He was all I had. Lying there that morning I poured my heart out to Him. The only words that would come out of my mouth were ‘take it all, but don’t take you. You can have everything, just don’t take you Lord.’

I have never meant anything more than those words. I knew that I could survive anything that came my way as long as He was with me. I would give it all up – everything and everyone that was important to me – He could have it all. Just stay with me Lord. In that very moment He rushed to me. I am not dramatizing here… he rushed to me. I keep searching for another way to explain this, but that is literally what happened. He held me, he picked me up and he has NEVER left me. He never will. His promises are true.

I would like to tell you that that day was my last battle with anxiety & panic attacks, but that would be a lie. They subsided for a while, but came back shortly after you were born, Andrew. That was worse than anything I had experienced before. Anxiety causes me to detach from emotion. It leaves me incapable of loving the way a mother should love. It is scary and I hate it. Every time – every single time anxiety creeps up – I go back to that day. My heart cries those same words “take it all, just don’t take you”.

Those words are harder now, because you, my sweet boys, you are part of the ‘all’. You are my very breath. You make my heart smile and life worthwhile… but HE is my everything and I place all he has given me back in his hands. I hope by the time you read this, your heart will agree that he is your everything too.

I don’t know how life will be for you when you read this. I know dark days have come, are here or are coming –all three if you live long enough. Please know this… he doesn’t only rush to me. He rushes to those who call on him. I cannot imagine anyone loving you more than I do, but He surely does. Hold on sweet boys… hold on to the hand that created you. Hold on to the one who gave you to me. Put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, stand (Eph 6:13)!

All My Love,
Mama

For the Boys

My Sweet Boys,

I started thinking about both of you over the weekend and about all that I hoped to be able to teach you in the years ahead. I thought about your early school years and how you would need to learn that all people are to be treated with kindness and respect. Your teenage years will be full of tough choices and would speak to your integrity and character. Teenage years are followed by your twenties and while your choices will not fully define who you will become, they will linger with you for a very long time. Navigating life is tough and you will not always do it correctly.

My job, as your mother is to help you along the way. I love being mama to you both, but like you, I do not always make the right choices either. You don’t recognize it as much right now because you are too young; you simply love me in spite of it all. Regardless of my shortcomings, I still relish every day God gives me to guide and equip you with what you need to lead the successful life God has planned for you. I also hope you grow into an understanding of what God’s definition of success is.

Watching the news gives you a real wake up call to the fragility of life. It is true; our life is vapor – here today and gone tomorrow. All parents think about the possibility of something happening to them while their children are small and all they would miss as they began to grow up. I think about this often (a little too often if the truth be told). If something were to happen to me while you are still young boys, who will teach all there is to know?

Of course, I am not downplaying your fathers’ ability to raise you into outstanding men; he is, however chosen by God to be your father. That being said, I believe there are things you need to learn from both of us. It is for this reason that I have decided to write down the things I have learned as some of life’s greatest lessons. I just want to write life letters for you. Where ever you are in life, whatever choice you find yourself having to make, I want you to be able to pick up what I have written and maybe, hopefully find some wisdom. Consider this the first one and know that there will be many more to come. Sure, they will be on a public blog for anyone to read, but know they are written from my heart to you.

As a note, I am only in my early 30’s as I write this, so if you are trying to navigate a mid-life crisis or retirement, I may be of no use right now. I still need my mama to help navigate those waters for me. You see, we always need our mama’s and our mama’s are always there for us in one way or another. I pray you always know that; I will always love you and I will always be here for you.

I love you ‘to infinity & beyond’,
Mama

Grace and Mercy

Grace: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

There have been many times in my life when I received God’s grace – none more important than when I was saved. The intent of this post is in no way to downplay or overshadow the Grace and Mercy shown to me on that day. It is, however a post to marvel at how the Lord continues to bestow his Grace and Mercy on me.

I have written many times of my struggles in coming to terms with the timing of my pregnancy with Andrew. As most of you know, finding myself 3 weeks married and 3 months pregnant was devastating to say the least. I wasn’t ashamed of getting ‘caught’, but rather of not staying true to my convictions. It took many, many months to overcome that shame and I still struggle today. It is very hard to watch people’s faces when they begin doing the math!

I struggled with so much shame that I couldn’t even figure out how to love my child once he was here. I went through the motions of motherhood, but didn’t really feel like what I thought a new mother should feel like. Slowly, overtime, I realized that I did indeed love this child. Then I got up the next day and it was a little stronger. Stronger still the next until the realization and panic hit me all at once. I was going to get up every day loving Andrew more than I did the day before. And then one day my heart would explode. Cause of death: Heart failure for loving her child too much! Is that possible?

Around Andrew’s one year birthday, I realized how gracious God had been toward me. I deserved no Grace to be shown to me, but Andrew was pure Grace in my life. When I look at him, even in the most frustrating of moments, I can literally feel God’s Grace like sunshine on a warm day. There are times I am feel frozen in awe and grateful that God knows my heart and how truly thankful I am for this precious gift of Grace in my life. I pray that Andrew will always know that even in disobedience, God can make all things beautiful and he is living example of this truth.

With the acceptance of God’s Grace came the realization of all that I had missed because I chose to live in shame. Once my sins had been repented of, I should have turned it loose and lived free of the same, but being human, I suppose, I couldn’t. I missed out on the joy of being pregnant with Andrew, the joy of birth and all the firsts that come in the first year of life. Sure, I have many memories, but mostly I have worry & anxiety of how I would explain having a 6 month old on my 1 year anniversary! I never felt I deserved to enjoy motherhood the way other mothers did. I always felt that if I enjoyed it or embraced it that would give the impression that I wasn’t remorseful for the circumstances. How absurd!

Mercy: a blessing that is an act of divine favor or compassion

We always knew we wanted more children. I wanted 4 and George wanted 2, so 3 seems to be a nice compromise (although now George wants to halt at 2, which I find borderline breach of contract!). When Andrew was 18 months old we started talks of trying for baby #2 with the hope that they would be around 3 years apart in age. Within a few months we got the news… baby #2 would be here by Christmas!

I recall the night before I found out I was pregnant. I thought I had missed the window and we would have to see if the next month held hope for us. I was disappointed and saddened thinking Andrew may be an only child. Now, this, if nothing else proves that I am indeed a product of the ‘microwave generation’! We had only been ‘trying’ for 1 month and I felt that I would NEVER get pregnant – get a life Libby! I sat in Andrew’s bedroom as he played with his blocks and vowed that if he was the only child God ever gave me, I was thankful for him and would satisfied with just him – and I meant it. To my delight, however, I found out the next morning that I was already 5 weeks pregnant!

I couldn’t wait to share my joy with everyone I knew. Finally I got to call home with the wonderful news of pregnancy. I was able to call my friends with excitement in my voice. I found out about Landon at 5 weeks and I was able to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy.

The first trimester came with some morning sickness – nothing major, but it was there and I hated it. Oddly, I loved being able to hate it. I loved being able to chose how I felt about being pregnant – the good and the bad. I counted the days until I felt the fist kick. Trying desperately to compare this pregnancy with Andrews, but I kept saying ‘I just don’t remember…’

The second trimester came with the passing of morning sickness, the arrival of heartburn and the news that my baby was A BOY! Ok, at first I wasn’t thrilled but within a few days I was very excited about having another boy. I mean, after all saying ‘The boys…’ has a much nicer ring to it than ‘The kids…’. Day after day we tried to pick a name until finally we agreed on Landon – and to this day we are trying to decide if we should keep that name! I guess we must now because sure enough, the kid is starting to grow into the name ‘Landon George’!

Landon was born on Monday December 6th at 8:02 am. The birth was much like that of Andrew’s birth (dreaded c-section), but this time I was able to see Landon as soon as they pulled him out. He had the loudest cry (which he still has) and lots of dark, curly hair. I remember looking at him and noticing he was smaller than Andrew (a full pound) and thinking “Who is having a baby in here today? That is not my kid!” But it was… that curly haired screamer was my baby boy… baby boy #2. Instantly I loved him. God has shown me such mercy... a second chance to embrace all that is motherhood.

Landon’s birth put an order in my life that I hadn’t had before. Suddenly, my priorities aligned as they should. I am a wife and mother… and I am confident in those roles. I know I make so many mistakes, but God has entrusted these boys (all 3 of them) to me. I love them. I love the dirty diapers, the 3 am feedings (a little less love for that), watching Andrew turn bath time into pool time, the celebration we have when he goes a full day in his big boy underwear. I love it all… even when I am so tired and the look on my face says I hate it. I love it. I love them.

I have been home with Landon for 12 weeks now. Today is my last day at home with him before he enters the cruel world of day care. OK, Andrew is proof positive that it isn’t a cruel world. But, honestly, I am very sad and torn about dropping both kids off Monday morning. I kind of want to stay home and bake cookies and do arts and crafts with them. You know, all the things that my mama did with me. HAHA… that was a joke. But seriously, she took me to Burger King every Monday for chicken tenders and a coke. Those are fond memories and that’s what I want for my boys.

God is good. That is a complete and truthful statement that doesn’t change based on our circumstances. God is gracious and he is merciful. It is a truth in my life and in yours. I don’t know what Grace and Mercy look like to you. But, for me, Grace and Mercy look like Andrew Nathan & Landon George. They are gifts.

The LORD is good,
a refuge in times of trouble.
He cares for those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7

God is good! We have all, for the most part, said these words at some point in our lives. Almost always these words are said after something good has happened. Tuesday, a week ago, I received word that my very best friend got concerning news on her 20 week ultrasound. She is due to deliver her first child the same week I am due to delivery my second child. She was told there was something wrong with the baby’s heart. We have since learned that there is a larger chance it is nothing (possibly nothing more than a shadow), but for 2 days we were led to believe the worst. My heart broke and I sobbed for those 2 days. I kept repeating “God is good even when the news isn’t”. I really wanted to write about that then, but the words wouldn’t come.

It is 3:30 am and I have not slept since at all. As most of you know, we received word that Ty (my brother) has a mass on his brain. This came out of nowhere really, he was just having some vision problems this week and now, here we are. He will undergo a biopsy in a few short hours to determine what it is and for the second time in less than 2 weeks, my heart is broke. I will be flying to Tallahassee on the early flight at 7:00 am to be with Ty and my family, but what can I do exactly?

I guess I can pray… that is what you would tell me to do, right? That is what many of you are doing (and the prayers are coveted). But today, my prayers seem hollow. They seem like they are going nowhere and while I pray I am being attacked and told things that I know are untrue. It is in times like these when the quiet voice of God is hard to hear over the shouting voice of Satan. I know, however, that Truth remains true even when words won’t come and answer are unclear. I know that God is good.

I went for my ultrasound on Tuesday. I was a little saddened to learn that the Caroline in my stomach was actually an unnamed little boy. I was thrilled to learn, however, that he is perfectly healthy. I sat waiting for my doctor while praising the Lord for such good news. How great he is that he can create something so perfect! I marvel at his goodness. I cannot and I will not praise Him one day and curse him the next. Sure, I’m scared and honestly there is some anger mixed in there as well. I just don’t understand.

As I struggle for sleep I cannot get the words out of my head ‘The God on the mountain is still God in the valley’. I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what the results of this biopsy will bring. I don’t know when the tears will stop, when the fear will subside or when the loud voice of Jesus will drown out the enemy. But I do know that God is good. He is faithful. I will trust Him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V65EPF2S-s0&feature=related

Lessons in the Night

Like most married couples with children, George and I have our best conversations late at night once the kid(s) have gone to bed. These conversations can be anything from decline of our nation to what’s for dinner tomorrow night. Most of the time it’s about our parenthood survival plan – this involves fear and trembling!

A few weeks ago we were laying there and George asked a very simple yet important question. He asked ‘Why is it that so many people seemingly worship the Virgin Mary’. I could feel myself getting in position to ‘teach’ him. I do that sometimes. George often comes to me and asks me ‘Bible’ questions and I find myself sometimes prideful because I know the answer and can enlighten him. Such a good little Christian I am.

I first explained to George that it annoys me when people call Mary ‘The Virgin Mary’… news flash, she had other children after Jesus. Their father was Joseph. She birthed them. Are you following me here? The Virgin Mary is just Mary now. Can we please post that in the bulletin this Sunday?

I then got a little more serious with him. It is a topic I have given much thought. I mean, I don’t want to give someone less honor than they deserve. Should I honor Mary more than I do? What Mary did was incredible, there is no doubt. She was the vessel for the Son of God to make His way to Earth and die for our sins. Where would we be today without that? Sacrificing lambs I suppose.

Let’s first look at what Mary was. First she ‘Highly Favored’ by God (Luke 1:28), she was good. Second she was a sinner. Romans 3:23 says ‘For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God’. All means all. Third she was obedient. She was scared and feared what would happen to her if she carried this child, being unwed at the time. But, she was obedient to God’s call.

None of us can deny that God used Mary in a mighty way. But when you look at Mary you should rejoice and get excited. Might the Lord want to use you in a mighty way? Mary was a sinner who needed a savior. No different than you and I. Mary could have said no. You may think that she had no choice, but in her heart I believe she did. Had she not been obedient what do you think would have happened? I’ll tell you what. We would be talking about the Virgin ‘Rachel’ or ‘Hannah’ or ‘Jane’ or someone else who was obedient. When we are not obedient to God’s calling he finds someone else who will be. Mary was replaceable, lucky for her, she chose to obey.

George and I had a good talk that night. I rolled over and continued in my thoughts. I just couldn’t understand why some people, many people worship a person. Why can’t people just see that Mary is a person, much like you and I? That’s when it happened… that still, small voice. The Lord very gently pointed out to me that I am so guilty of the same thing. Huh? I don’t worship Mary!

Libby, he said, You have been striving to be an ‘Esther’ since your early 20’s. You have prayed to be like King David – to be woman after God’s own heart (Acts 13:22). You have hoped to have the heart and determination of Paul. You have fallen short so often. Ouch…
He was right. It became clear to me that I, and so many Christians, look to our “Bible Hero’s” for a role model, a guide as to who we need to be. Why do I do that? There is only one person to be looking to. Jesus… as Christian’s we need to strive to be more Christ-like, not more ‘Paul-like’, ‘Esther-like’ or ‘Mary-like’. As we become more like Christ – He will increase and we will decrease (John 3:30). And when that happens, we are used in mighty ways.

The Prayers of a Mother

I get the joy of celebrating Mothers Day and Andrew’s birthday in the same week each year. While Mother’s day isn’t a holiday I think of myself on (for me, it is about the Mothers in my life), I have a constant reminder that it is indeed about me. You see, two years ago this week I brought that sweet child home and much to my surprise no one has come to take him back. Those people at the hospital really sent him home with me thinking I had the ability to raise him. Someone should tell them about the bottle of tap water I nearly gave him at 2 weeks old!

Things went well for a while and I fell head over heels in love with him. I mean I could eat him on a Frito – I just could not get enough of him. As I type this today…. 3 days before his second birthday, I realize that is all a part of God’s plan. You see… God, in his infinite wisdom gives you roughly 2 years to fall in love before he rips the mask off of what that child really is. An urchin, who wakes up in the morning plotting how to make you cry, scream, pull your hair out and consider becoming an alcoholic...all before noon. Just yesterday he slung refried beans across my kitchen, ran naked around the house making me chase him from one end to the other, ate half a crayon and spit the other half in my hand and filled a diaper so violently that I am still nauseous today! I was never so glad to see the nursery workers at church as I was at 9:30 am yesterday. I nearly left him until 6 pm.

As I laid down last night I had a major realization – Mother’s day is just another day to be a Mother. And this mother was tired. I laid there drifting off to sleep and I thought of my mother who I am sure was laying there thinking of her mother. I thought of how great a mother she has always been and how I hope to be half the woman she is. I thought about the many times over the years that she has been there when I needed her. Never complaining and never tiring. And then I thought about the best advice she ever gave me, as a mother. She told me, not long after the urchin I love so much was born, that the only way to raise children is on your knees, in prayer. I know this has been her method of raising kids… and I think she has done a great job.

I rolled over and I began to pray for Andrew. Now, this isn’t the first time I have prayed for my child. I pray for him regularly. I always pray for his safety while at school. I pray for his well being and the normal things parents pray for their children. But, as I watch Andrew begin to grow up, I am faced with the reality that he is becoming more and more independent and with that comes less of a need for mama. Sure, I have a long time before he is totally independent, but the day will come and it will come quickly. Who will he be when that day comes?

I could just stand by and let life mold him into the man he will become. I could just do my best and hope he is all I have imagined. Or, I could pray. I can pray the prayer of Hannah (1 Samuel 27-28) and give what God has loaned me, back to Him. That has to be a constant decision. A constant acknowledgement that God knows what is best for my child and loves him more than I do. Hard to imagine sometimes, but I know it is truth.

As I prayed for Andrew the tears rolled. I know he will stumble and he will fall. I cannot pray that he doesn’t, it is a given that we all stumble & fall – it is why we need a Savior. It is why Andrew needs a savior. I pray for the day when he comes to know the Lord. What a glorious day that will be both in Heaven and on Earth. I pray that he will come to know all the plans that God has for him and that he is blessed beyond measure. I pray that he not only knows the Lord but has a relationship with Him and desires that closeness daily.

What I prayed for most of all was the hard times that will come his way during life’s journey. It was hard and it pained me to think of the trials he will go through. I want to save him from those tough times. Times that he brings on himself due to sin and times God just puts him through. I want to protect him from the hurt, but I cannot. And as much I want to, I would not. I am who I am today because I have scars on my knees and palms of my hands. I have fallen and I have gotten back up. I have fought many battles, but because of who I am in Christ, I have won.
I want Andrew to win. I want him to feel Grace and Mercy in a way that can only be felt when you ‘Get Up’ from the battle. I want Andrew to be used in a might way for Gods glory & for His honor. If he never walks through the fires of life, if he never messes up, if his halo never tilts then tell me how can he ever be used in a mighty way?

Andrew is special. Not because he is my child, but because he is God’s child. I will pray for him continually that he may grow into the man he was created to be. I will pray that he loves his God. I will pray that he gets up every time he falls down and that he unapologetically proclaims the Grace and Mercy of the God who created him.

The object of teaching a child is to enable him to get along without his teacher.
~Elbert Hubbard


I have been thinking a lot recently about being brainwashed. I mean seriously, have you considered how easy it is to be brainwashed in this media crazed world we live in? Several years ago I stopped listening to rap music. I know… the thought of me listening to rap music is odd; odder still is the thought of me dancing to it in my car. I had moves… moves that George describes as seizure-like! I gave it up… but I do miss ‘the moves’.

Why did I give up rap music? Well, as you can imagine, the lyrics are really bad. The music is good (to me), but the message is B-A-D! I was at a point in my life where my convictions were being challenged greatly on a daily basis and the message I was getting on my 45 minute commute to & from work was not reinforcing my values. In fact, the message was making me ‘long’ to straddle the fence just enough to feel like a normal person; live my 20’s with gusto! What I knew in my heart never changed though and I eventually realized either the music had to go or my values did because the fact of the matter was ‘Ludicris’ was brainwashing me… and I was letting him.

You may have missed the big news, but I am a mama now. Crazy, isn’t it? It was a shock to me as well… a BIG shock! I try to be very purposeful in raising Andrew. I try to keep focused on the big picture… the man he becomes. I want him to realize and receive all the things the Lord has planned for his life. I would love to be the mother of the next Billy Graham. Maybe he will be musically inclined and win a DOVE award? Or maybe he will be a software developer and teach Sunday school or just be a greeter for the morning service? I don’t know what the Lord has for his life, but he has something and I want him to seek it out.

So, how do I guide him in his journey? Well, for starters we go to church – Sunday School too. We listen to children’s church songs on the car, watch Veggie Tales, say the blessing before dinner and say a prayer before bed. He has come to expect these things and can even say the prayer with me at night (although rather unclear) and don’t even get me started on the way he holds my hand, bows his head and says ‘Amen’ at dinner. Have you any idea how hard it is not to consume that child!

Most of you would say this makes me a good parent and for the most part I would agree – at least I try to be a good parent. But, what would you say of the Muslim family across the street that uses every opportunity to instill Muslim values into the lives of their Children? You would probably wouldn’t rush to call them good parents; although if pressed you may have a hard time putting your reasons into words.

I have heard it said many times and have actually said it myself – these children are brainwashed. We have no problem believing that children raised in homes that preach values drastically different from our own are brainwashed. So, doesn’t that mean that I am brainwashing Andrew? Wow, that’s a very hard thought. It came to me about a month ago and caused me to sit and really think about it.

I’m a Christian… I know what believe and more importantly, I know why I believe it. I have always known the ‘what’… always. I have known the ‘what’ because my parents and people near & dear to me told me the ‘what’ over and over and over again. But, the ‘what’ doesn’t get you very far in life, does it?

I am firm believer that you cannot truly believe something until you have questioned it. I cannot simply take what I have been taught my entire life and assume that in this world full of trials and temptations, those ’whats’ would prevail without a ‘why’! I cannot tell you how many times I have sat in silence with a piece of my faith, a conviction, a truth and questioned whether it was ‘The Truth’ or just ‘good teaching’. The key to questioning what you believe is having an open heart for the answer. This is how you get to the ‘Why’!

So, as I sat in silence asking whether I am being a good parent or whether I am brainwashing my child, God revealed my journey to me. It wasn’t long before I knew with assurance that I am not brainwashing Andrew – I am giving him the ‘what’. It is up to him to find the ‘why’.

Do you know what you believe? More importantly, do you know why you believe it?

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old,

he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

George and I got a family bible as a wedding gift, which happens to be one of my favorite gifts. Growing up in the Bible Belt, I thought everyone had a family bible sitting on the living room table. I have come to find out that is not the case. When I moved into this house, we had only the TV stand to actually call a 'table' and it wasn't an appropriate place for a bible. So, I am sad to report that until recently it has been tucked away nicely in the top of the closet in the guest bedroom. Thankfully, this weekend our long awaited formal living room furniture arrived and out came the family bible to take its rightful place. Even better is the fact that I quickly found a use for it... we are actually reading it as a family!

We started 'Resurrection Eggs' with Andrew this week. By we, I mean 'I' since George is traveling and I am flying solo with the kid this week. I have been anxiously awaiting doing this with Andrew since I heard of them last year. I went to get them a week before Easter and they were all sold out, this year I got them early and have been waiting. I decided that I would do 1 egg a night for the 12 days leading up to Easter finishing the night before. I think trying to cram all 12 eggs into one day would be too much for Andrew. Having completed 2 nights, I realize it would be too much for me!

Have you heard of 'Resurrection Eggs'? Fascinating concept, I think. Twelve plastic eggs, each filled with something representative of one aspect of the Easter story. There is an accompanying book that give a scripture the egg is in reference to and a short explanation. Egg #12 is a golden egg and is empty representing, of course, the empty tomb! I am in love with these eggs, I seriously am.

Clearly stated on the box are the words 'For ages 3 & up.'... puh-leeze! Andrew loves story time and this would be a variation of story time, right? I know he is only 22 months, but I have a plan. We can handle one egg a night for twelve nights; we're a model family, after all. Here is how it all went down...


We went to the living room (as a side note, how many people find it odd that we actually sat in the living room - the one room you were never allowed in as a child because it would get messed up and.... the horror... company would foot prints on the freshly vacuumed carpet!). Again, we went into the living room and I opened the booklet and opened the bible to the scripture for egg #1. All the while, Richard is running around barking loudly, jumping on me, jumping on Andrew, but knowing his life was in danger if he jumped on the new furniture! Mind you, Andrew is neither interested in the booklet, the bible or the dog. No, he is interested in this...


I was seriously trying not get frustrated and remember that he is not even 2 years old yet. The box did tell me 'ages 3 & up' after all! I read the scripture, fully aware that I was reading to myself. Thinking back on it, I wonder why I took the time to convert 'Ass' to 'Donkey' while reading since he was oblivious to the Word of God anyway! Thankfully, they only give you 2-3 verses to read and then you can open your egg to see what has been hidden inside. What was inside the blue egg?

A Donkey... of course! And that one blue egg and enclosed donkey was all that Andrew was concerned with. He couldn't care less about the remaining 11 eggs, just the one blue egg. It was as if he knew we were on 'Day 1' and day 1 was the blue egg. Oh, he is a good little student; I have raised him right! Perhaps I got ahead of myself since at some point I think he threw the donkey and the egg from one side of the room to the other.

Finally (thankfully), the end of our 'lesson' was drawing near. I pulled Andrew close and told him we were going to say a prayer. It only seems appropriate that we should end in a prayer, right?Why did I put myself through this? Well, I had good intentions but I was so flustered at that point that I actually found myself thanking the Lord for donkey's and thanked Jesus for his son... Jesus. I had to laugh... I am so glad that God knows our hearts, aren't you?

You may be thinking that Day 1 wound up being the last day, but it wasn't. We gathered around the pink egg last night which contained silver coins and we talked about how Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 silver coins. Again, Andrew only cared about that pink egg and its contents. We played with the egg for several minutes and then we ended in prayer which went somewhat better... somewhat!

I don't expect Andrew to come out of this in 2 weeks knowing the Easter story. But he is smart and he picks things up very quickly. He knows you aren't supposed to eat before you say a blessing, you aren't supposed to go to bed without saying a prayer and when you ask him where Jesus is, he points to the sky and his heart. He doesn't understand the why of everything right now, but one day, I pray he will. For now, I am simply preparing the field for rain.

Who Dat? Dat's ME!!!!!

This past weekend was the biggest sporting event of the year – I’ll give you one guess as to what it was! Correct, the Super Bowl! Did you watch it? We were able to catch the first half and the fourth quarter (all that really matters). We had to leave the party we were at during half time to get Andrew home and in bed on time. We are on a strict schedule these days and I am so happy and proud of it that I would walk home from any party, anywhere just to keep him on said schedule.

This Super Bowl has really been heavily promoted since the New Orleans Saints have never even made an appearance at the Super Bowl much less win one. In the weeks leading up to the event, things were pretty lively in my neck of the woods. Living in Houston, not far from Louisiana, there are many Saints fans. People who aren’t die-hard fans tended to lean that direction given the choice. It was a huge deal, and in the end, the Saints pulled off a victory. Don’t we all love a Cinderella story?

Well, all the talk and excitement leading up to and immediately following the game kept me rather excited too. Not because I am a huge Saints for or even a Super Bowl fan – my heart will always be in college football. No, my excitement was due in part to what the Saints brought with them… endless variations of ‘When the Saints Go Marching In’. It’s been stuck in my head for weeks!!

I am sure you heard this classic hymn at some point over the last 2 weeks. I got up early one day last week to join the 5:15 a.m. spin class at the YMCA. I will tell you right now, I am not a pretty sight at that time in the morning. The instructor hopped on her bike and announced she had a surprise for us. As soon as the zydeco started playing, I knew what was coming. There it was at 5:15 on a weekday morning when all the people who had brains were still sleeping and I was singing ‘When the Saints Go Marching In’ with a bunch of other crazy folks.

I sang that song until I nearly cried… for several reasons, not the least of which because that little seat and my big seat no longer match up correctly! It was such a happy, fun moment though because we all knew the song (and I am sure at least half of the folks thought it was written specifically for the New Orleans Saints); we sang loud and in unison. Right smack dab in the middle of the sang a chant bursts out – this was a verse I wasn’t familiar with – this piece was written specifically for the Saint’s. It goes like so “Who dat say they gonna beat dem Saint’s? Who Dat? Who Dat?” (Cajun accent used here) – very catchy. I caught on and kept the pace with the rest of the group for the remainder of the song.

I consider myself very blessed for many reasons, but none more than this… When the Saints go marching in, I not only want to be in that number, but I WILL be in that number. I settled that issue a long time ago, as did many of you. I live with many regrets in my life and long for ‘do-over’s’, but because of the blood of Christ, I am a saint, part of a royal priesthood and on that day, I will go marching in. Isn’t that the greatest thing you have heard in a very long time?

George and I have had a lot of fun with this song in the last week. We have danced all over our house singing both the traditional hymn and the ‘Who Dat’ addition. We feel the need to include the ‘Who Dat’ portion to our dance routine because it’s really a lot of fun and frankly, in the end, the Saints do indeed win! It’s been great having this song stuck in my head because it has been a constant reminder of who I am in Christ. The world is a constant reminder of who I am in flesh and of past mistakes, but ultimately I am a child of God, marching upward to Zion.

What about you? Is this just a catchy song that you know but have no clue as to what it really means? Do you assume you are a Saint because you were raised in America and we are a (supposed) Christian nation? Will you be marching in with the other Saints on that day or are you just not sure? Some would tell you that there is no real way to know, you live life as a good person and hope for the best. I am telling you that simply isn’t true, but the free gift of Jesus is too simple to pass up. The knowing and peace that comes from accepting that gift is better than any blessing you have on this earth, or will ever have – I promise you that. If you aren’t certain of your marching orders, then follow the link below for the simple steps to being a ‘Saint’… and SING!

http://www.chick.com/information/general/salvation.asp

Habakkuk Revisited

My last entry was on 9/11 and, as is the usual start to each entry, I began with a verse I found appropriate. The verse I choose for that day was Habakkuk 3:16-19 and it seemed to capture the reality of September 11 accurately. Oddly enough, I have not been able to escape those verses since that post. I am literally meditating on them daily and I so I feel the need to stop and re-examine them once more. I will post them again, this time beginning in verse 17.

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vine; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation. The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He will make me as surefooted as a deer and bring me safely over the mountains.

What thoughts did you have as you read and finished the scripture? I was transported back to several times in my life when my soul cried these very words even though I wasn’t aware of the scripture. I believe that this is the place that the Lord needs to take you to so that he can begin to use you for the purpose you were created. I heard a pastor say once ‘In order for the Lord to use you greatly, he must first break you greatly’. I believe that if you are a child of God, He will break you and if you withstand the hurt, your soul will cry the words of Habakkuk.

I do not know of one person that wishes pain, fear or turmoil on themselves. I also do not know of one person who has not experienced it at some point. Hard times are a fact a life; there is nothing we can do to avoid it if we live long enough. The ‘experience’ has to be so bad that there seems to be no earthly escape to cry the words of Habakkuk and mean them with all your heart.

Do you know why Habakkuk could rejoice in the Lord? Do you have any clue why he was joyful and found strength in the Lord? He knew Peace. How many times have we prayed that God would give someone the peace that passes all understanding? We sometimes throw that around very nonchalantly without realizing the power in its reality.

I have been at the bottom, have you? Who was there? Sure, there was someone there physically – your parents, children, friends or a spouse, but who was there to pick you up? None of those people, not if you were at the bottom. There is only one person who is there to pick you up and you know he is there because of Peace. Peace lifts your eyes first then your head. Peace brings you to your knees and then your feet. Peace gives you strength lift your hands and then Peace slowly but surely pulls you up.

Your situation may be the same, but Peace has given you a new set of glasses to see through. It’s a hard fight to get those glasses, but what a view. You turn around and look where you were and you never want to go there again, but you wouldn’t change it if you could. This is the sweet spot. You can’t imagine it until God has brought you here, but He will bring you. He will make you surefooted and you will rejoice in Him.

I have been through the valley and I have stood on the mountain. If I live long enough, I will experience both again. I like the mountain much, much more than the valley. It is the valley, however, that has given me strength. It is the valley that has prepared me for my purpose. Do I know what my purpose is? No. Maybe I will find out tomorrow, maybe not. Perhaps I will just live it and never realize it. Regardless, I don’t want to miss it. I have been and am being prepared for it, so are you. Life is good, but life is hard. I will rejoice in the Lord because he is sovereign and is my strength.